It all started from a casual conversation that got flirty real quick, real scary. I don’t know how we both do it. I don’t know why I’m still texting you, when I could have ended it so much earlier. I don’t know how I ended up being here, but I guess I’m here now, in a place where my heart is literally trying to pull me in two opposite directions while still trying to keep balance.
I guess I feel flattered that someone of your league would be interested in me. You are good-looking, well-liked by your peers, and you have a successful career. You’re at the age where you are probably ready to settle down and start a family. You may not have everything, but you sure have a lot of things that people would easily envy you for. Why would you find a girl like me attractive, is then, my biggest question.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m not belittling myself. I like who I am and where I am at now. I like the young, independent woman that I’ve become. I like my kindness. I like my sense of humor. I like the passion and dedication that I have for my job. I think I’m at a pretty good place myself. But still, we are so different in so many ways. I can’t shake off the fact that there are so many better, more eligible women out there, yet I’m the one you find attractive. So the only reason that came to my mind is perhaps it’s because you were never serious about me anyway. This whole thing, that causes so much confusion and friction within me, probably doesn’t mean anything to you anyway.
But, oh God, you’re so ridiculously alluring. Yes, I am fully aware that this is probably just a game for you. You’re probably just bored and you need someone to talk to. Screw it, you probably just need someone to boost that ego of yours. To give you affirmation, to make you feel good about yourself. But so do I. With each passing day, I begin to crave more and more of that attention that you so effortlessly give me. I like the taste of the sweet nothings that you whisper, as if they’re honey dripping from your lips. I like the idea of us together, the fact that you’re just a phone call away. I like how dangerous this whole thing has become in an instant
So I play it cool, like it’s my umpteenth game. Like I’m a pro, like I know the rules all too well. I play along, seemingly effortless and unattached. I pull in, and then I push away. I pour it all at once some days, and hold everything back other days. I seem interested, but not too interested. Some days I flirt hard, some days I play hard to get. I give, and then I withdraw. Like a game of tug of war. That’s how you do it, right?
You know what, it is incredibly exhausting.
Why? Because my heart is incapable of playing games. It doesn’t recognize casual hookups. It’s not designed to understand almost relationships. It doesn’t know how to be an expert in this messed-up modern dating world. It will probably never learn how to become one.
I’ll forever be the girl who wears her heart on the sleeve, and that’s fine with me.
My heart only knows how to love. It only knows how to love hard. It craves something real, something authentic, something deep and scary, yet worth the plunge. It only knows how to say things that it means, and make plans that it intends to follow through on. It is made with crevices that can only be filled with a crashing wave kind of love – the kind of love that comes unexpectedly, but in a strong force, full of passion and intentionality. The kind of love that will put the other person’s needs before their own. The kind of love that sees the beauty of vulnerability. The kind of love that doesn’t feel the need to test waters, but instead dives head-first into the ocean. The kind of love that is, sadly, becoming extinct in this world.
I’m praying for the day my heart finds its equally brave counterpart in a world where everybody is too afraid to love hard.