15 Signs You’re Painfully Neurotic

Sorry sorry, that came off as so aggressive. I didn’t mean to tell you how you are or aren’t. But all of the neuroses can’t have been bestowed upon me alone. Good people, I implore you to search deep within and share with me your er, quirks. I have provided you with a starting point to get the juices flowing (Eww, she said “juices.” I hate that. It makes me feel positively nauseous!)

1. You check behind the shower curtain before showering, and when you see the coast is clear, you feel dumb that your heart is racing.

2. You can only set your alarm clock to increments of five minutes. If your partner insists on setting the alarm to 7:07, you have to have a serious talk about it.

3. When walking beside someone, you strongly prefer to walk on a certain side.

4. You re-read an email the second after you’ve sent it knowing full well there is nothing you can do about it. What if you misspelled ‘ecstasy’??

5. You wonder how many times you’ve accidentally appeared in the background of a stranger’s photo, and what if they think you look weird?

6. You stop your microwave one or two seconds before it’s completed to avoid the awful beeping noise. It’s just so…final.

7. You have checked your phone seconds after just having checked it. Because WHAT IF?

8. You’re so consumed with being polite that you’d apologize to the person who ran over your foot with a grocery cart.

9. You would never dare to bring a Starbucks mug into a non-Starbucks establishment. You wouldn’t want the barista to think you were a traitor, a Starbucks sipping traitor, now would you?

10. You can’t seem to be at a great height without imagining yourself somehow accidentally leaping off the edge to your death.

11. You know your own farts smell better than anybody else’s. The unending mystery is why?

12. You are still trying to find a way to not leave any popsicle behind (wasting food is the worst), all the while avoiding that awful wooden taste when you reach the stick.

13. You are absolutely certain that the elderly cat you are cat-sitting will inevitably die while under your care, despite your near-militant adhesion to its care rituals.

14. You engage in imaginary confrontations while in the shower, sometimes getting so lost in the argument that you have to stop yourself with a reality check lest you actually feel angry with the person.

15. The hair must be plucked, the pimple popped, the skin picked, and the joint cracked.