A part of me whispered, “I told you so.” I had been stupid to think that he would be different. Yeah, he used different tactics and different words, but at the end of the day, he was the same like all the others – heartbreaker and player. Just like all the others, he became distant the day after we fucked. Two-word replies to my texts, not replying until a couple hours later, complete end to the flirty texts… just like what all the others had done.
I’m a college student. I entered the online dating scene five months ago, after 16 months of seeing my close friends find boyfriends and wanting one myself. While I’m always happy whenever a friend starts dating, it makes me question myself. Am I not good enough? Not pretty enough? What is it about me that isn’t girlfriend material? People always tell me that I’m sweet and good-looking. Obviously, they must be lying if men don’t find me attractive enough to want to date me.
I lost my virginity a couple weeks after starting online dating. It didn’t happen the way I wanted it to, and I did genuinely believe that there was a chance we could’ve dated. But I was wrong. And this ended up being the cycle of my life for the past few months. Each of them said all the right things that made me believe them. I’d make myself vulnerable, give myself away to them, only to realize in a matter of days that I’d been a fool again. I was just another notch in their belt again, to quote Taylor Swift.
Just over the past few months, I’ve developed a strong defense system. I no longer cry when I find out the true colors of the man I’ve been talking to, had gone out with, slept with, revealed my secrets to, etc. Instead, I just think, “What a bastard. You were no different than the others. Go fuck yourself.” I no longer believe there is “the one.” I no longer believe in fairytale endings. I no longer believe there is a good man out there. In short, my perspective about men has been skewed after I was screwed over again and again and again.
Whenever you hear stories about girls like me, you’d think, “How stupid can you be?” But put aside your judgment. All of us are wired with a need for love and affection. Somewhere along the path, we lost our way and searched for it in the wrong places. Each time we fell, we picked ourselves back up again, and our resilience doesn’t permit us to give up. Alas, just like how you bumble in the dark without a light, we don’t have good examples to show us the right places to look for what we want and need.
At the end of the day, I have changed. I’m no longer the innocent, carefree girl I once was. Instead, I’ve become hardened, cynical, and mistrustful of all men. Our society glorifies players. But after being played yet another time, I wonder, why is it so hard for men to treat women the way they’d want others to treat their mothers and sisters?