OhBit: That Goldfish From The Fair
By Evan Waite
Let’s be honest, did you ever even want me?
From all accounts, you’ve never shown any interest whatsoever in owning, or even looking at fish before. During the brief time I was at your apartment before your indifference doomed me, I certainly didn’t notice any books or paintings about fish lining the walls. Did you just accept me on a whim?
Living things come with responsibilities. And there is no way you took me under the pretense that I would be fun. Tell me, what’s fun about a fish? I swim around in a bowl. Then sometimes I float for a while. That’s it. That’s the extent of the entertainment I am able to provide. I’m not doing Cirque De Soleil in here. You needed that in your life? Think.
Your short sightedness cost me my life, dick-face.
Let me break this down for you: just because some carny scumbag hands you a plastic bag with a fish in it at a fair does not mean that you have to accept it.
The next time you find yourself in a situation like that, here’s what you should say: “No thank you, sir. I’m not responsible enough to take on that kind of responsibility. I’m quite stupid.”
In actuality though, the carny treated me with more dignity than you did. He snorts meth every five minutes and yet he runs laps around you in the areas of basic human decency and kindness. I feel sorry for you.
Maybe they didn’t teach you this in school, but fish need to eat food in order to live, just like people. You know how, when you’re hungry, you stuff like twelve of those greasy White Castle hamburgers into your maw? Yeah, I see you.
Well, fish like me need sustenance too. It’s only the most basic principle of life on Earth.
Then the final insult: you dispose of my body in the receptacle your bowel movements drop into? Even in death I am disrespected. I wasn’t expecting a twenty-one-gun salute, but I was still picking half-digested corn kernels out of my gills when I reached the pearly gates.
That’s right, we have our own heaven. We share it with the snakes cause they got vouched for by the eels.
Stay out of the ocean. I know crustaceans that will hurt you.