Aesop’s Post-Breakup Fables

The Lamb and the Fox

Gant Powell

By: Aesop

Date: March 13, 580 BC

In a field one summer day a loyal, good-hearted lamb was frolicking in the field enjoying his chance to “play the field” with a bevy of attractive sheep.

It was then that a devilish fox ascended from the deepest pit of hades and began milling around down by the pond where the lamb liked to go for drinks after a hard day of grazing. Gradually, the fox seduced the lamb with silver-tongued words of flattery.

While a part of the lamb was worried that the fox was only interested in him because he was a rich, famous writer, the fox was such a good actress that she was able to present a more palatable façade. The fox soon became swollen with child.

When the cold winter came, and the food was scarce, the fox (who just laid around the field all day while the lamb toiled) decided to eat all the lamb’s forbs, leaving him hungry and bitter. It was then that the lamb knew:

One should never get Rhodope pregnant because she really is the worst.

The Meathead Lamb And The Regretful Fox

Gant Powell

By: Rhodope

Date: March 16, 580 BC

Once there was a lady fox that liked to go down to the pond to take a drink with her woodland friends when she needed to blow off some steam. She wasn’t out hunting for companionship like certain “truth-tellers” would have you believe, but was just trying to have a good time.

One day as the fox was chitchatting with her people, a horrible lamb traipsed into her line of vision and gave what he must have thought was a sexy grin, but which came off as more like the insincere rictus of a narcissist. The lamb started talking loudly about all the apples he had, and about how no one else had as many apples as he did, and how he had earned these apples with his wit and insight. A more pathetic sight none could recall.

So the lamb blathered and the fox drank. By the end of the evening, the fox was feeling loose off that Hennessy and the lamb swooped right in. The next morning the regretful fox woke up next to the lamb in a filthy pile of mud-caked straw on the edge of town.

She quickly gathered her fox-clothes and hustled out the door. It was not until weeks later that she realized she was expecting.

Fuck Aesop.

The Livid Lamb

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Gant Powell

By: Aesop

Date: March 17, 580 BC

The lamb read the fox’s little bullshit story and doesn’t know what she’s trying to pull, but it’s not going to work. Perhaps that new goose she’s been balling put her up to this.

It’s fucked up to slander people.

The Fox and the Warning

Gant Powell

By: Rhodope

Date: March 18, 580 BC

The lamb had better leave the goose out of this before he gets his snout mashed. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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