Happy Birthday, Mr. Putin!

ID1974 / (Shutterstock.com)
ID1974 / (Shutterstock.com)

On a fine Tuesday in October, longtime president of the Russian Federation and male model Vladimir Putin turned 62. To mark this occasion, he took a day off—his first day off after fifteen years on the job, in fact.

Now, we could go on about the high likelihood of poll manipulations in recent Russian elections, the possibly promising prospect of implementing term-limits there (Groucho Marx supported such an idea, though not about Russia), and the number of bodies that piled up in St. Petersburg within months of Putin’s promotion from prime minister to president in 1999. But as your grandmother told you, if you don’t have anything nice to say, create a soppy, overly optimistic ball of sentimentality that suits the needs of those in power.

Let’s look at it with rose-colored blood in our eyes! Golly! President Putin just turned sixty-two! And Christ, does he look good!

His first day off as president after fifteen years in office? Wow, it sure is good to know Russia has such a hard worker looking after it—so much so that he hasn’t left office after over a decade.

Putin is a real man of character. Here is a man that no phallocentric light show can defame. Here is a man whose cult of personality makes JFK look like an underachiever and puts that young twerp Kim Jong-Un to shame. Here’s a man that by comparison almost makes Macaulay Culkin look less slimy. Here’s a man that can look ridiculously sexy when arguing politics and ridiculously stupid when looking at something sexy and stupid.

So let’s give President Putin a hand. You can focus on elections and dead people all you want, or you can look on the bright side of things. And on the bright side, another darling, special, unique human being has celebrated his birthday.

Happy birthday, Mr. Putin! TC mark

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