I Am Not Okay With Letting You Go

I am not okay.

I am not okay with the way you make me feel. I am not okay with how we ended. I am not okay with my stupid hope that you would one day feel like I am enough for you. I am not okay with not talking to you or going months without seeing you. I am not okay with how you always make me feel special when you give me your attention. I am not okay with how your new girlfriend seems so perfect for you. I am not okay with all the things you do with her that I wanted you to do with me. I am not okay with feeling so much. I am not okay.

I still remember the first night we met. At that bar, with your friends. I wanted to leave, but then I saw you. And in that moment, with that decision, my whole life changed. At first, I was too shy to talk to you, but when we got in the cab with our friends and you were sitting next to me, I looked you in the eyes, and you looked into mine. And in that moment, when we were laughing, our hands touching, everything changed. 

Whenever I was with you, you made it seem like everything’s possible. Like we were possible. Like we could take on the world together. I didn’t care about anything. What everyone was saying, all my worries were not important when I was with you. You were so charming, so sweet and so exciting.

You made me feel things I didn’t know I could feel so deeply. And when I fell for you, I fell hard.

You made me feel like a different person. Like I could achieve everything. Do anything. Be anyone I wanted to be. I have never felt so free in my life. I did some reckless things when I was with you. But I never regretted anything. I’d probably do it again if I could. You were my world. My home, my first true love. My achilles heel. My downfall. I tolerated so much, waited so long, only to be disappointed again. But I couldn’t help it. It was like a carousel that never stopped turning. And I couldn’t get off. I tried, but I didn’t want to. The rush was all that kept me going – when you texted back, when I saw you, when we kissed. That rush was everything to me.

But you could never commit. Or admit. And when you did, it was too late. I chose someone over you who was always there for me, who made me feel like his world revolved around me. I felt like the center of his universe. I never felt that way with you. You were always so far gone and I was chasing after you day after day. And I got tired. I got tired of arguing, of hoping, of chasing you. So I tried to move on. And I did – for some time. But then I realized that you were one of those people in life that you never really let go. There is no getting over you. And I am really trying to accept that. Even if it hurts.

My friends always say that we are the “neverending story”. And I don’t blame them. I blame myself. For always reaching out to you, even though I know it’s the wrong thing. But to me, we still feel like a story with an open ending. Like if there was still something supposed to happen. And I feel guilty about that hope every single day. And sad. And angry.

So damn angry at myself for not being able to accept the obvious. That I was never more – and never will be more – than a girl from your past. Someone who doesn’t fit into your life. Your dreams. Your future.

And every single day, I tell myself that I am okay. Or that I will be okay. But I am not okay with letting you go. I am not okay with accepting that I was just some random girl, but so much more to you. I am not okay with losing hope that one day, we will end up together – and be it in the nursing home, I really don’t care. I am not okay with giving up on that dream. I am not okay with losing you. 
I am not okay.