For the last few years I had gone through a whole bunch of heart breaks, mainly for this disease that I have, being an idiot, that is. I figured that I like a man the most if he’s smart and funny. Of course I like beautiful men, but that hasn’t always been the case of first attraction in my love affairs. A few conversations about Seinfeld, some funny voiced characters later, I’m yours.
No wonder then that the loves of my life are Jason Schwartzman, Jason Segel and Jason Sudeikis. All three Jasons. All three talented individuals. All three, so-easy-on-the-eyes but not necessarily unapproachable. Funny does it, dude, my friend and I say. If we didn’t already know that they are great super talented actors, would we still think they are ridiculously hot? They are human beings and I thought that I was already close to them in a way.
Jason Schwartzman first caught my eye in the movie Rushmore in 1999. I’m a first-wave Wes Anderson’s fan. Not one of those retroactive ones that went back from The Life Aquatic. I actually waited for The Royal Tenenbaums. That doesn’t make me any better than later Wes’s fans, it just merely makes my point that I loved the pimpled-version of Jason Schwartzman, pre-I Heart Huckabees and Bored To Death hotness. He’s smart, he’s funny, he’s talented. He’s me in the short film before The Darjeeling Limited. He’s the best. I knew that he lived in the East Village because my friend told me that she saw him a couple of times. He’s a regular Joe that reads Jonathan Ames. That could be our conversation, I fantasize. That and Coconut Records, a band that I became obsessed with even before I knew he was involved.
Jason Segel came to my life — my virtual life — with Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I had noticed him in Knocked Up but he hadn’t won me over just yet. Seeing myself in his character (we’re beginning to build a pattern of loserness) and the tall/awkward-combo just filled my heart. Finding out that he actually writes, well, that’s just perfect. I retroactively watched him be a dork on Freaks and Geeks way after the fact.
I knew that he was living in NYC so I daydreamed about him falling for a-normal-kind-of-girl. He would see me on the street and my outdoor singing to my iPod would actually be a charming feature.
I discovered that he was dating Michelle Williams at the time, and on the same day I read an e-card that said: “You get mad when your celebrity crush cheats on you”, which was actually right on the money for most cases, but not for mine. I couldn’t have hated Michelle — she’s so beautiful, a great actress and I bet, a pretty cool gal. Damn my objectivity. So, my daydream switched from us falling in love with each other to me running into him and telling him about my day dream/e-card/your-girlfriend-is-awesome debacle. “This is gonna be the weirdest conversation you have all week”, I’d say, trying to print my image in his brain for at least 5 minutes after I’m gone. I just want to make him smile.
I thought Sudeikis was a really funny actor from SNL and that was that. I signed up for sketch writing lessons and it turned out to be the best money spent in my life so far. I also learned that Sudeikis was a writer for SNL even before he started performing there; and decided that I LOVED HIM, though with him, I had no game plan.
Last november at lunch break from work, I went to a sandwich shop in Chelsea, around the corner from my building. I’m not used to these cold days back home in Argentina, so I was wearing everything I owned, the least sexy I’ll ever be.
I saw a familiar face at the back of the restaurant and it turned out to be Sudeikis. I searched for the phone I hadn’t brought with me and knew that this one will have to be printed in my head with no technological aid.
As he walked pass me on his way out, I managed to stare at him and say “You’re awesome, dude”. He looked at me straight to my eyes and smiled, and with his scruffy face and blue baseball cap just went “Thank you”. Magical. Not.
The one imaginary encounter I hadn’t really thought about was with him, and he was the only one I could have actually talked to about something. Advices on sketch comedy writing? I’d love to write for/with you someday? Anything? I couldn’t blame it on brain freeze, my head was properly covered with a dorky hat.
His tone and general attitude was completely approachable. And all I was thinking about was that I looked horrible (not that it would have mattered if I was at the top of my game, his fiancé is absolutely gorgeous). The only thing that was good about the whole situation was that since I didn’t have my phone to take a photo, I remained slightly NY-cool, like I didn’t really care that much. Also, this way I can slowly turn that memory into a much better one: a summer day where I was showing more skin, a flawless body and tons of charm.
So, yeah, one Jason down, two more to go. Beware, Schwartzman and Segel, when our random encounter occurs, I’ll have a very well thought out script.