When Anorexia Speaks And You’re Forced To Listen

David Marcu

Anorexia is one manipulative bitch. Ana, as she commonly goes by, can creep up on you slowly and then all at once, forcing you to hear her, heed her, bow down to her. She is the one voice that can always be heard. She is your best friend and worst enemy.

I am your only friend and you need me.

And despite offers of help from friends, family, and loved ones, Ana has only one goal self-destruction self destruction. She turns you against anyone that might be able to understand. She makes you believe you are alone. Just the two of you, forever.

Only I know what’s best for you.

She will whittle away at your body, leaving nothing but skin and bones. She will whittle away at your mind, making you believe you have to suffer every second of every day.

You don’t deserve to be happy.

When you look in the mirror, Ana distorts your reflection so you are left disfigured and ashamed. Skinny is never skinny enough. There will always be another pound to lose. There will always be another size smaller fit into.

You’re a fat, disgusting cow.

Ana makes you do things over and over again just so you know how inadequate you are. She makes you step on the scale every time you walk by the bathroom. She makes you spend hours on the treadmill, adding up the calories burned. It’s never enough.

You can’t hide from me, I see everything.

When it’s time to eat, Ana turns your stomach inside out. No matter how hungry you are, how close you are to passing out, she never says it’s ok to eat. What you can manage to get down sits in your stomach like a rock. She makes sure you feel every ounce of every bite, she makes sure you feel the guilt like fire burning in the back of your throat.

You shouldn’t have eaten that.

At any given time, in any given situation, Ana is always scanning the room for someone who might be skinner, prettier, more beautiful than you. She isn’t afraid to point out your flaws. She isn’t afraid to make you feel alone and unwanted.

You’ll never be as skinny as she is.

She makes you believe that everyone can see what she sees. She convinces you that you are the object of everyone’s disgust. You, and your bulging stomach. You, and your jiggling thighs. You hide yourself away in hopes that no one will notice you and all your shortcomings.

They hate you because you’re fat.

And Ana is never satisfied. She never tires, she never sleeps. Every time you think she will be proud of the number on the scale or the reflection in the mirror, she finds another way to destroy you. With every bite of food you don’t eat, she takes another bite of your free will.

You will never be good enough.

The worst part about Ana is that no amount of time or therapy can truly banish her. You will always carry her with you, you will always hear her voice. Strength is no match for Ana, only luck can save you. And if you’re lucky, you can learn to tune her out. You can learn to hear her and not heed her.

I will always be here, waiting.

Knowing you can survive without her is the most crucial step towards healing. Without her, you can relearn how to eat a full meal without the crippling guilt. You can relearn how to look at your reflection without fear and disgust.

But without me, you are nothing.

And certain things will trigger her triumphant return. Certain foods, certain people, certain places, certain words—just one little reminder and there she is, smiling with open arms. Ana is always happy to have you back.
You can’t control me, you never could. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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