lowercase is cool. it’s not trying to be all capitalized and proper. it’s laidback. it’s rebellious, but in a cute, freespirited way. sure, maybe it’s breaking some rules, but they’re just punctuation rules, it’s not like anybody’s getting hurt. i mean maybe it’s hurting some people’s feelings, like if you’re the ceo of punctuation.com or something, but normal people are just like, whatever, that’s just lowercase, doing its thang.
it’s the 21st century. we’re not all uptight like our ancestors, writing each other letters on scratchy parchment with feathers dipped in ink. now we let our tippy tappy fingers do the talking. we don’t have time for capitalizing! besides, capitalizing’s so fussy. uppercase wears suits and ties and attends boardroom meetings. lowercase wears flipflops, does beer shots, and blacks out at the beach.
if lowercase were religious, lowercase would be buddhist, cuz lowercase makes i statements look less egotistical. i am the man i am the best i am so cool iii am so full of myself but i’m also modest cuz look at my lil puny i, it’s adorably nonthreatening! even that stuttering iii is pretty chill considering it looks like my middle finger fell asleep on the i button.
cuz is cool, too. cuz is lowercase’s lil cousin. or cuzin, if you’re into that. whatevs. spell it how you want. iz all gud.
lil is pretty sweet too. little’s way too big. come on little: five letters, two syllables? little’s enormous! but lil is just right. lil makes me lol cuz it’s a lil cutiepie.
i don’t know about idk. acronyms and initialisms bug me out a lil bit. blame it on my ocd. blame it on the al-coh-coh-al-coh-alcohol.
and i can’t write dont, that just looks bad. i don’t get why cormac mccarthy writes spanish words all proper like mañana’s always got its enyay sombrero on lookin like a mariachi yet he can’t throw a damn apostrophe in the word cant. not trying to criticize c-mac-c, he’s one of my favorite writers, but what the dillie big mac? why you gotta disrespect your native tongue like that? did an apostrophe once steal your lunch money?
i bet cormac mccarthy writes epic emails in lowercase then lols at lolcats like erryday.
but back to lowercase. lowercase is hip. lowercase is alt lit gchats published on somebody’s tumblr. but lowercase ain’t nothing new. lowercase is old school. lowercase is e.e. cummings reinventing poetry with a falling leaf. lowercase is killer william s. burroughs lines in the soft machine like: “coffee and blood spilled all over the place. cigarette holes in the pink blanket.” no one knows what it means, but it’s provocative.
lowercase is humble. lowercase is patient, lowercase is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. lowercase does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
lowercase is cool. you know what’s not cool? ALL CAPS. ALL CAPS IS INTENSE. ALL CAPS IS YOUR ALARM CLOCK WAKING YOU UP TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING. ALL CAPS IS AN ANGRY ROBOT. ALL CAPS IS HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, INSOMNIA, STRESS. ALL CAPS IS YOUR ENEMY.
it’s all good though. whenever ALL CAPS harshes your mellow, just settle into a lil lowercase convo with some loved ones and let the stress melt away. cuz lowercase never feels the need to scream. lowercase is maxin and relaxin. lowercase tells ALL CAPS to calm down, take a deep yoga breath, and pop a chill pill.
but still, there’s something nice about tradition. maybe i’m old fashioned, or maybe i’m just old, but i like it when proper nouns and the first words of sentences are capitalized. it lends a certain sense of order to the universe. and i feel so small uncapitalized. i just become a lil head on a lil pedestal. i like being I. I looks grand and important. I looks like it speaks with authority. I knows what it wants and how to get it. i looks cool and hip and everything, but it also looks a lil lost. idk. i guess i’m just not cool enough for lowercase.