Why Do We Return To Toxic Relationships?
By Esther Kim
Why do we always go back to previous relationships that fell apart? Why do we go back to people that have hurt us? Why do we go back when it clearly isn’t working?
We’re creatures of habit. How easy is it to go back to someone with the hope that “oh they’ll finally change this time” or “I’m more mature now” or “it’ll be different this time”? More often than not, we lie to ourselves. It’s not to say that some people don’t change or that trying again with a loved one is a waste of time. Not at all. But sometimes, two people just don’t work. No matter how much you care about someone, how much you love them, sometimes it just isn’t meant to be. Yeah, that hurts. Yeah, that sucks to realize. But honestly, that’s life.
Yes, of course if you’re with someone and you two get into a fight, work it out. Give them another chance. But at the same time, you need to guard your heart, too. It’s so important for you to not let yourself be collateral damage in the process of someone figuring out who they are (speaking from personal experience). When you’re in love with someone, you’re blinded. Your mentality shifts; it isn’t about you anymore. It’s about them.
Is he happy? Is he okay? It’s okay, I’ll just do this for him. I love him. We can talk about me later; he needs me right now.
Their needs supersede yours and that’s just kind of how it goes.
We go back to these people because it’s so easy. They know everything about you and you don’t have to explain some things because they already know. Despite the bad memories, there are just as many good ones: the times you cried from laughing so hard, the amazing dates, the times when you shared the deepest, darkest corners of your heart.
Sometimes you need a slap in the face. You need to realize that you’ve tried this three, four, five times…and every time, it hasn’t worked. They hurt you. You hurt them. Your friends don’t want you to be hurt. Your family is worried. It’s time to be mature, to look beyond yourself and what you want temporarily. It’s time to realize that your emotions in the moment are fleeting but your mental health…the fragility of your heart…should be guarded with wisdom.
Wake up. It isn’t all about living in the moment. Sometimes, you need to suck it up and do what’s best for yourself, even if it will bring you pain now. You’ll be stronger for it. Love your future self enough to make the hard choices now.