My mind wandered around the corners of my brain, thinking whether something was wrong with me. My heart searched for its warmth from other people whom I never deserved to be with. My soul suffered because of all the contradictions, injustices and false truths I saw within the environment and the people I used to know.
I want freedom more than acceptance. I want freedom more than belongingness. I want freedom more than affection. I want freedom more than attention. I want freedom more than security. I want freedom more than comfort. I want freedom more than anything else. Unfortunately, no one sees it the way I do. What they see is that I am selfish and an outcast and a lost soul.
Still, I chose my own freedom despite all the hatred. I knew this is the only way I could free myself from the cage I never wanted to be in. I chose freedom for my own happiness, hope and love so that I could share mine, too.
For me, freedom is always about being your authentic self. Knowing myself will take me away from uncertainty, failure, fear, rejection, sadness and loneliness. By allowing myself to feel every detail of the emotion as it comes, I am learning to understand myself. You can learn more about yourself by knowing what you want, what you love and hate, and where your priorities lie. Being aware of your flaws and insecurities will also help you find your best qualities, your strength and your capabilities.
I do not doubt myself now. I do not ask myself “why” anymore. I do not question my existence. I am now free from all the imaginary prisons of negativity.
Maybe it’s just that I am in love with a life without any regrets. I am in love with the dream I am trying to pursue until the very end of my days. I am in love with the person I am trying to be, the best version of myself. That is why I am not trying to seek love, happiness and hope from others. Those are in my hands now — the love which I ought to give, the happiness which I ought to feel, the hope which I ought to see.
When you lose track of the path you are taking, when you feel overwhelmed, go back to where you were in the first place. Your freedom is always right there within you, but sometimes you let the outside force to control you. You let your ego and pride win. You let all the illusion made by your trauma dim the light of your hopes and dreams.
Be you. Be brave to be true. Be brutally honest. Be tough enough to face criticisms and judgements. Be gentle enough to give and receive love. Be humble and proud. Be you.