I know that you gave your generous heart and warm spirits to a man who treated them as though they were nearly worthless. I know you continuously picked up the pieces that he left scattered on the floor, only to yet again place them in the palm of his hand. I know that you begged, and you pleaded, and you silently screamed all in hopes that he would look into your eyes with the passion that you so desperately craved. I know that in spite of your desires, all that you saw in his eyes was indifference.
And for that I am so, so sorry.
I know that when you initially began to notice that he was pulling away from you, maybe becoming only slightly distant and non reciprocative of your affection, you excused it. You were caring and patient and kind as you waited for him to eventually come back to you.
When you began to question his sudden lack of love and appreciation, it was immediately returned with excuses, bullshit explanations. Words that invalidated everything you thought you knew about what was going on. You’re probably just imagining it, don’t be so paranoid.
When the sadness, emptiness, and lack of confidence in yourself began to arise, he sat emotionless as you tried to explain why you no longer felt like you were good enough. This was your own fault wasn’t it? You’re so sorry that you’re so anxious all the time, you’re really going to work on it. You promise.
In moments of clarity, you realize, if only for a moment, that you deserve someone who wants to shower you in love and affection. You deserve someone who always shows up when they say they will, and will actually try to help you when you’re hurting. But you’re asking for far too much right? Yes, that’s too much to ask for and if you ask for any more he’s going to resent you for being so needy. Stop being so needy.
Then comes your anger, because for some unknown reason he can’t recognize that his lack of love and effort are genuinely crushing you. You don’t understand how he can idly watch you fall to pieces and not recognize that he is the sole cause of all of your pain. You explain to him in shouts of anger and desperation. He responds with short cuts in the form of unempathetic apologies and excuses, the fastest way to end the argument as possible. Why do you have to be such a bitch? Guys don’t like girls who get angry, maybe if you weren’t so bitter all the time he would actually love and adore you like he used to.
All the while, as you process everything, rethinking arguments, analysing behaviors, second guessing everything you thought you knew about yourself and your relationship, he is empty. He is indifferent. And this is so much worse than any anger, or sadness, or resentment he could ever feel towards you. Because you can’t fix the fact that he doesn’t give a shit.
No pleading through tears, or desperate explanations of how you feel can bring him back to loving you in the way that you deserve. But despite how he’s made you feel, his indifference is not your fault.
The hardest part of indifference is that there’s never really closure. You never get the explanation as to why things fell apart. You’re stuck with that resentment, confusion and heartache that you had all along. And once it’s over, he is still indifferent.