20 Little Things You Should Know Before Dating Me
By Erin Simpson
1. I’ve cheated on my boyfriend of five years seven times. I didn’t feel guilty about it until much, much later.
2. It’s easy for me to find something to love about most people I meet.
3. I’m pathologically secretive, which is the result of years spent under an abusive and oppressive household. Lying and question-evasion gave me the freedom to do whatever I wanted.
4. I am easily overwhelmed by simple and mundane tasks, like doing my laundry or getting up in time to go to my classes.
5. I often want to take cuddle breaks and will ask you often if I can have a hug.
6. I am compulsively impulsive and am only too eager to do things I think will make my life more interesting.
7. In my first adult relationship, my boyfriend had a serious case of performance anxiety. His refusal to have sex with me made me feel unattractive, and it has had a lasting effect on my sexuality.
8. I’m not good at responding to text messages and will, in fact, ignore them as a matter of principle.
9. I don’t like to sleep with a pillow. I like to have the air running because the warmth of the covers feels a little better when it is a little colder.
10. I think my ugliest vice is my jealousy. I am jealous of all the partners you had before me because I want to be better/smarter/prettier/etc. than all of them.
11. I will be self-conscious every time you eat me out because I’m afraid of the way I smell down there.
12. I read a lot of leftist literature.
13. My friends and family’s opinion on our relationship doesn’t matter to me if I’m in love with you. Neither will yours, to be honest.
14. My idea of perfect sex is when I feel like all the boundaries have been blurred, and I’m melting into you and you’re melting into me.
15. One of the happiest moments of my life when I was tripping balls on ecstasy.
16. I read a lot of poetry and will often feel compelled to share it with you. My favorites include Frank O’Hara, Wallace Stevens, and Fernando Pessoa.
17. I’ve had a series of questionable relationships with people much older than me.
18. One of my guiltiest pleasures is hip-hop and r&b from the 2000s, like Ja Rule and Tamia.
19. I don’t dance unless I’m drunk because my primary mode of existence is awkwardness.
20. I’d really like to sit on the bus, or subway, or light rail with you.