Dear Those Who Want To Be Considered Men, But Relate To Prepubescent Boys

Guys, you truly are confusing. It is amazing, how, individually, 95 percent of you are awesome, kind, caring people. Yet, put more than two of you in the same place, and you tend to turn into something that resembles the skid mark my dog just left on the carpet. Now, I get it, it’s not all of you, this is not a she-power letter trying to shame you for being men. It is a call out to those of you who don’t hold yourselves accountable for your own words. I’ve heard some pretty brutal things thrown out about your female peers, especially around college campuses. Every once in a while, I find myself in those unfortunate moments where I overhear guys venting about “that girl who would be hot if only” or “that ‘four’ from the party last weekend,” or phrases like “that one chick/bitch/slob with the nice rack/man face/muffin top.” These are the mild ones. I understand, I really do, that guy talk is a part of life. I’m sure it’s some deeply rooted, scientific phenomenon that after a rejection, a conquest, or maybe just a few too many beers, you think it’s appropriate to spill your thoughts on that girl who either ignored you, you haven’t found the gall to pursue, or maybe threatens you in some unknown, unrelated way.

That’s fine, whatever.

The issue is that your testosterone-filled bitch sessions are never focused around much besides how physically appealing you find the woman in question, which is a problem. You are breeding insecurity and paranoia. It enrages us. And it can stay with us.

Here, take this list our common reactions. Study it, know it. Maybe, this could make you think twice about your bold statements, or at least save them for a more appropriate time, like when you’re leaving the party alone. Again.

  1. Well this is already uncomfortable.
  2. Who cares that her ass isn’t to your standards?
  3. Wait, how the hell do you have standards? I’ve seen pictures of you puking cheap vodka onto yourself. You don’t get standards my friend.
  4. Oh, wait, you think she’s gained weight? I apologize then sir, continue on. The nerve of that girl is unbelievable.
  5. No one loves an over compensator
  6. I’m group texting my friends to warn them to stay away from you.
  7. Have you forgotten there is a female within earshot of your man talk?
  8. Can I talk about periods? Will this shut you up? Will that stop the madness?
  9. If I’m guessing correctly, the “four” didn’t return your text last night.
  10. I’m not certain you and your friends ever wash those matching sweatshirts.
  11. Who damaged you?
  12. Remember the time God granted you as his gift to women? Oh.. wait.
  13. *Can’t hear myself think over your dull laughter and fist bumps*
  14. I can just assume that you own one of those tiny sea shell necklaces.
  15. How are you still talking? How?
  16. I wonder what would happen to your little man ego if my friends and I publically shamed you like you’re doing to this random girl?
  17. Can I Snapchat this conversation without getting caught?
  18. You’re a jerk.
  19. You could cure cancer, save a puppy, and stop world hunger in one day, and I’d still think of this conversation the next time your name comes up.
  20. Why, why, why, is your voice so aggravating?
  21. So we’ve now established that she’s disgusting in comparison to you impeccable charms, and you’ve publically shamed her body, but you’ll still admit that you text her at 3AM when all the drunk freshmen sober up and find the nearest exit.
  22. But it’s “just whatever” when she doesn’t respond?
  23. I hope your next hookup cancels on you to stay home and watch paint dry, so she can have a better time than she would with your mediocre mating skills.

With, not love, but a thread of tolerance fraying at both ends,
The girl you forgot was in the room. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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