1. WTF is this voice over? Oh I see, it’s kind of like “Cosmos” but completely made up. (OR IS IT?)
2. Billy Bob Thornton is yelling and doing his best I-can-take-you-Ed-Harris-from-Apollo-13 impression I’ve ever seen.
3. Remember when Angelina Jolie wore Billy Bob Thornton’s BLOOD in a VIAL around her neck like a vampire? #NeverForget
4. Ohhhhhhh this thing is a “global killer.” So this is bad, huh?
5. BRUCE WILLIS ON THE OIL RIG. Playing golf onto those stupid Greenpeace guys. YEAH, FUCK THE EARTH!
6. MARRY ME, LIV
7. At this point in the movie it’s like, wait, why are we on an oil rig? Who are these people? What do they have to do with this “global killer”? Finally a helicopter is landing.
8. Oh nope, the helicopter had nothing to do with the global killer.
9. We’ve now been explained they need a deep driller (their term, not mine) for this project so the oil rig is starting to make sense. “Whatever they said couldn’t be drilled, this guy drilled it.” BBT RE: BW. Sweet.
10. The moment I’ve been waiting for: the Putting the Team Together montage!
11. I’m very confused about how much time has elapsed. How did they all scatter?! Ben Affleck has already started his own company? How long did it take them to get to NASA? I thought they only had 18 days before the “global killer” hits. Ugh. Come on, Michael Bay!
12. Movie, your age is showing! Someone just called all the guys “retards.” Ugh.
13. Now we get to watch them become astronauts. Well, at least get a lot of physical tests. “Talk about the Wrong Stuff.” LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
14. SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET EMOOOOOOOOOOOOTIONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
15. YES SEXY TIMES IN THE HANGAR!
Okay but he proposed, put a ring on her finger and she just smiled. Like, putting the ring on is a leeetle presumptuous, Ben.
16. So they’re being let off base the night before they leave. I’m SURE this will go REALLLLLY WELL.
17. I DON’T WANNA CLOSE MY EYES. THIS IS THE OTHER MOMENT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR
Oh god, I’m dying. Liv and Ben are so pretty. OMG “do you think it’s possible anyone else in this world is doing this very same thing in this very same moment?” GODDAMN YOU, AEROSMITH.
18. Remember the creepy video for this song though? Where she’s running her hand on the screens but since it’s Steven Tyler she’s doing it to her real dad and like * brain explodes *19. Lots of stuff just happened but also Bruce and Liv are having a heartfelt moment where he promises to come back. Okay, we’re an hour in and there’s STILL AN HOUR AND A HALF LEFT.
20. Leavin’ on a jet plane singalong!
21. Wow they are really milking this part. I mean, all that needs to happen now is they try to fix it, it goes wrong and Bruce sacrifices himself for Ben. And yet there’s still an hour and twenty minutes left.
22. Oh right the Russian space station guy has been there alone for 11 years and might be a tad weird! Yay!
23. Blah blah blah, something messed up, they fixed it, still trying to do the big mission. An hour 8 minutes left! Man, this is kind of boring. People are dying though. So that’s sad. “Houston, Independence is a dead stick. They’re not gonna make it.”
BBT to Liv: Maybe you shouldn’t be here. LIV: I’ve got nowhere else to be.
24. Ben is stuck on the asteroid with the Russian guy and no one knows they’re alive and they’re fighting and, man, I must have slept through most of this movie every time I watched it. Bruce Willis is the definition of a loose cannon and is just doing a lot of space-fighting.
God bless BBT and his ability to deliver the line “We have ONE shot to save this planet!”
25. The Michael Bay-ness of this whole experience is really overwhelming for me. Every shot is moving at a different angle. Incredible. I’m spacing out until we get to when Bruce sacrifices himself. I just cannot wait for that.
26. UGH THE TRIGGER IS DEAD SO SOMEONE HAS TO STAY WITH IT. They’re drawing straws. Ben got the short straw. Bruce is like NO WAY MAN
Is it bad that I’m like “you all know and love Liv. Why would you let her dad OR her fiancé be involved in this?” So mean. I reject the idea that Ben is going “take care” of Liv but I’m still crying at Ben screaming for Bruce. It still gets to me.
Now he’s saying goodbye to Liv. Oh no. Oh man. I’m legitimately crying at this. Ugh the “The Ring” style montage of Liv through the years when Bruce presses the detonator is TOO MUCH TO HANDLE. LOOK AT HIS EYES
Okay, the world rejoices…wrap up everything and goodnight.
So who wants to watch Deep Impact?