The Simpsons is arguably the most influential television show of my young life. (I can still use “young life” to describe myself until I’m 35, I think.) (Also, I’m sure not who’s arguing with me about this.) And it’s made me realize that there are some names I would legitimately consider naming future children of mine (Stupid Lisa Garbage Face being at the top of the list).

1. Bart/Lisa/Maggie/Marge/Homer

Well, my grandmother’s name is Marge so that’s out but the other three I’d DEFINITELY consider. Especially because Bartholomew is hilarious.

2. Bort

Mainly just so I can say, “No, my son is also named Bort.”

3. Rudiger

One of my favorite jokes. “His name’s not important!” Endless amusement for parents, not so much for the poor kid.

4. Hortence

And we’d call her “the mule-faced doll” as a nickname!

From Bart’s suggestions for Lisa’s doll:

• Blabbermouth, the drippy doll for jerks
• Wendy Windbag
• Ugly Doris
• Hortence the mule-faced doll
• Loudmouth Lisa
• Stupid Lisa Garbage Face

5. Bergstrom

Bergstrom Long would grow up to be a handsome and dedicated substitute teacher.

6. Edna

Because who doesn’t want their daughter to become Edna Krabappel?

“Her name is Krabappel? I’ve been calling her Crandal!”

7. Santos L. Halper

Just like the family dog’s credit card name, my son would live through life in a breeze of explaining his name and why he got emancipated from his parents as soon as possible.

8. Kwyjibo

Kwyjibo, A big, dumb, balding North American ape. Just so you know, if you ever play Scrabble with me, this word is ALWAYS accepted. In fact I’d love a Scrabble board which is a normal Scrabble board but includes this word in the directions as acceptable.

9. Mojo

That poor helper monkey. Pray for Mojo is classic but I also always say, “I can’t wait to eat that monkey!” whenever I can’t wait to do…anything.

10. Langdon

Because then hopefully Lisa Simpson will have a crush on my son. Just like her secret puzzle-loving crush, Langdon Alger.