Some people might tell you laughter is the best medicine or that all you need is “more cowbell.” I’d personally prefer if someone offered me Mr. Burns’ “Lil’ Lisa’s Patented Animal Slurry” to cure what ails me, but I’m not suggesting that either. No, what I need for any mood, situation or event is: Bruce Willis.
Much like Meryl Streep, I will watch Bruce Willis in almost anything. For instance, I’m the person who enjoyed Surrogates. As a result, Bruce Willis is the answer to anything that may arise in my life. Here are five situations you may find yourself in and a Bruce Willis movie to go along with them.
1. It’s Christmas Eve and You Are About To See Your Estranged Wife and You’re Also a NYC Cop
Movie: Die Hard
Clearly, the only Bruce Willis character who could help you in this troubling time is John McClane. Since you’re already a cop you’ll know how well he’s handling the terrorist situation on his hands, led by Alan Rickman. You’ll also pick up awesome tips on how to deal with an attack.
1. Don’t take your shoes off even if it’s to get yourself calmed down after a flight.
2. If you do take off your shoes, try not to step in glass.
3. If you do step in glass, just go with it, because it makes you look like a badass.
2. You Suspect Your New Neighbor is a Contract Killer
Movie: The Whole Nine Yards
I guess this could also work if you are a contract killer and you think your neighbor is catching onto your double life. But I’m really talking to the Matthew Perrys of the world for this one.
Pro tip: If someone who looks like Bruce Willis mysteriously moves in next door to you, and is going by the name Jimmy Jones, he IS a contract killer. You might be scared in this time in your life but don’t worry, it gets better. The good news is this movie will explain to you how to convince Natasha Henstridge to get with you in the end.
3. Your Life as a Cab Driver is Getting Too Boring For You and You Want to Spice Things Up
Movie: The Fifth Element
Maybe you’re a retired major in the special forces and and maybe an alien creature that looks remarkably like a hot Eastern European model lands in your cab wearing nothing but medical tape and speaking gibberish. And maybe a giant black ball of fire that’s the embodiment of pure evil is hurdling toward the earth at an alarming rate. This film will show you everything you need to know make it through this situation in one piece, while also remaining extremely fashionable.
On a side-note, Bruce Willis is the only human being on earth that can wear a bright orange Jean Paul Gautier tank top and euro-trashy blonde-tipped hair and remain unquestionably badass.
4. You Get Shot and Aren’t Sure if You’re Dead or if Your New Little Kid Friend is Crazy
Movie: The Sixth Sense
Maybe you’re in the hospital recovering from a gunshot wound. Or maybe you were pretty sure you got shot but it might have been a dream but how will you know?! Well, The Sixth Sense can help you with that. If you find yourself having dinners or conversations with other people where they seem to be ignoring you or looking past you, you’re probably dead and a ghost. I don’t mean to be harsh but it’s true. If you start seeing Haley Joel Osment… just get over whatever’s keeping you on earth and be dead already, sheesh!
5. Your Dad is Your Secret Boyfriend’s Boss and Then They Both Go Into Space and Your Dad Gives Up His Life For Your Boyfriend To Live
Listen up, Liv Tylers! Firstly, you probably have some deep psychological/ relationship problems if your dad is the (super hot) Bruce Willis but let’s put those aside for right now. The big problem here is that the two most important men in your life are about to risk their lives to save the planet and you don’t know it yet but like, one of them is never going to return.
You know what? If that’s going on in your life definitely watch anything except Armageddon. My bad.
And if the mood you are in is “being in love with Bruce Willis” just watch his guest appearances on Friends. Obviously.