Tonight was hard for me. Like normal, I miss feeling you there beside me, underneath me, and on top of me. That’s not the hard part. The hard part was self-induced. I’m a glutton for punishment. When something good in my life comes around I find a way to single handily destroy it in the worst way possible. Tonight I found the atomic bomb of happiness killers. I found her.
I don’t know why, or what my initial thought process entailed as I began looking for her. Knowing myself, I probably made it sound like a really good idea. Somehow knowing more about her would help me know more about you. The worst part is, now I do. I know that you left a mark on her just as you’re currently leaving on me. I know how in love she was and how much you loved her as well. I know how much she supported you and how often she had the luxury of having nothing else to do besides lie next to you and feel your chest expand and compress as you breathed. I also know tat the same love she wrote of still drives her today.
Unfortunately, I learned we share quite a bit in common. For starters, she’s a songbird. Automatically this small fact stung my inner being. Something I had held as my own now made me realize anytime I play or sing for you, she will come to mind. Second, she is just attached to her nickname as I am to mine. A sort of entitlement comes with being labeled something so endearing, and yet there’s a contradiction present when we’re both labeled as “special”. Lastly, we both have fallen for the same boy and have no idea how to receive your love in return. Surprisingly- these things don’t make me hate her, or wish her harm. If anything I respect her and feel an unexpected (and unwanted) bond to this girl I’ve never met/never will.
I will easily admit how envious I am of her. What I feel isn’t a jealousy that throws tantrums or retaliates, but I now have a feeling that hurts in the deep trenches that have been unreached until this moment. I’m envious of her memories. I’m envious of the history she has shared with you. Those are things I will never be able to have, which is envy in its truest form.
As I admit all of this, let me point out a key piece of information. I (naturally) have compared myself to this girl, and I have come to a pretty fair assessment. In no way am I better than her; in no way is she better than me. In this type of situation it’s easy to find flaws within oneself/turn the tables and find flaws in your “foe”. Unfortunately, I see neither.
I’m sure if she knew about me, the exact same process would ensue. Just as I wish I had her little arms, she’d wish to have my incredibly normal ears (or something else equally as absurd). Instead of a lengthy iPhone note at 3:47 in the morning, she’d write a brilliant song to capture your attention in hopes for your heart.
If anything, tonight appears to have been a learning lesson. The first lesson learned: I may fall in love with you… she makes it sound so natural like breathing or blinking. Secondly, you may not love me back and it will take months to recover (exhibit: her). Lastly, we will have our history as well. It may not be as long or as poetic, but I know it will be my favorite.