To The Christian Girl Who’s Single (And Not Okay With It)

Perhaps you were once popular with guys but now you’re not. Maybe you’re the girl that hasn’t ever dated but you want to and you’re not allowed. Maybe you’re waiting for that someone but you can’t figure out why God won’t go ahead and give you what you’ve been praying for- I mean, after all, you’ve been doing everything so why isn’t this one thing being given to you? Or maybe you’ve had guys but you’ve never been good enough, and now it feels like you’ll never find anyone.

Me, too. You’re so inexplicably not alone. There’s some sort of stigma that every single girl must be okay with being single. “Love yourself, you don’t need a man, the time will come!” The list of motivational phrases from your non-single loved ones goes on and on.

The thing is, they’re all meant well, and I’ve never once been hurt by someone I cared about saying these things to me. I believe them, too! I don’t need a man and I will find one someday, God willing. But even so, I’m not all that okay with being single.

I’ve always been a driven, independent girl. I’ve gone after what I wanted, pursued my passions, and been incredibly happy accomplishing my goals and seeking the Lord. But as I’ve gotten older, it’s become clear to me that I’d rather spend my life pursuing goals with someone else than alone. Marriage itself became a goal of mine in a way that it never was before. I wanted a relationship- one- that would be with my best friend and together we’d build God’s kingdom and grow with each other. Many people told me that this desire was not on my heart for no reason, so I became impatient waiting for God to come through. I figured that he’d given me this desire so I could follow through on it, not go through guys that weren’t interested in me that seemed like they should be perfect for me and then wind up disappointed.

Then I became even more not okay with being single. It actually felt like love was becoming a huge gag. Suddenly people that I felt didn’t even want a relationship as much as I did, or for the reasons that I did, were dating left and right. I threw myself into my work hoping that would fill me up and I wouldn’t be so torn down by everyone’s happiness.

It became a real struggle for me. I felt like my heart was in the right place and I wanted it so why wasn’t it happening?

And then, at the peak of my disappointment, I realized I hadn’t been letting God take control of my life. I’d been praying for Him to bring someone into my life and when I thought He did and it didn’t work out, I tried to fix it myself and heal myself instead of letting Him do His thing. I wound up so much more not okay with my circumstances when I tried to hold it all together myself. It was when I stepped back and decided to be still that I asked God to make the things in my life enough for me.

This isn’t some magic overnight cure to being okay with being single. I wouldn’t lie to you like that. But it’s a way to start seeing the world differently. Even if marriage is a goal for you, something you strongly desire, you can’t become obsessed with it and consumed by it to the point of being depressed without it. The source of wanting a relationship with someone like that is intimacy. You can find that with your friends and your family and your dog, but in different ways.

You just have to ask the Provider of everything to let that be enough for you. To let Him be enough for you.

When you stop needing marriage and love to be everything, I think that’s where you’ll find it.