1. Is he/she such a douche that he/she might sue you? Seriously. I don’t know about you, but when I think of my enemies and then when I think of all the people who might actually be dweeby and lame and just douchey enough to sue someone for glitter bombing them, they’re all the same people. All of them.
2. If your enemy is a bit of a frenemy, he or she might call, either before or after he or she opens the bomb. Either way, it would be awkward and annoying. More importantly, if there were a way to diffuse a glitter bomb, a phone conversation would probably be it.
3. Without being that conscious of it, you might slightly but very seriously fancy yourself a William Wallace or Prince Isabelle type. Like, part of you might think that you’re someone who could one day be found looking all dewy and determined while grasping the reins of a horse that is galloping across the Scottish moors for a forbidden rendezvous with your one true love…Well, just know that, if you ever deign to glitter-bomb an enemy, your life will never be worthy of a soundtrack composed by James Horner.
4. I feel like you can’t ship bombs in the mail…like even glitter bombs? Especially across borders, and isn’t that company Australian?
5. Apparently two wrongs don’t make a right? Glitter-bombing an actual enemy is, you know, such an ideal way of getting revenge, because it says, “I hate you, but instead of harboring resentment, I’m expressing myself in this vaguely homosexual, funny way. At you. Haha. I win. I win so much.” But it’s still revenge. And that’s not healthy? Think about it. Karma, chakra. All the spiritual reasons.
6. You might have children and, some day, in the 2040s one of those children might do something that is the perfect corollary of glitter bombing in that future era, only you’ll be so disappointed in your progeny at that point, because whatever they did will seem irredeemably pathetic to you. And then you’ll think, “That’s exactly like when I glitter bombed my enemy.” And at that moment you’ll wish you hadn’t.
7. One day you might be kidnapped by ISIS. I’m serious. I mean who’s to say this is not a real possibility? And while you’re in your cell waiting for them to saw your neck, that time that you glitter-bombed your enemy might loom in your mind as the quintessence of whatever it is in your culture that your killers are attempting to extinguish by disconnecting your brain from your body.
8. The act will transform your relationship to glitter in a very real way. It will transform glitter from whatever it once was to you—a detail of your arts and crafts memories, an innocent frill, a party favor, a substitute for self-confidence—into a symbol of revenge.
9. One day you might become a politician, and then it will come out. And your campaign will fail.
10. Remember the Butter Battle Book? I don’t know what’s worse than a glitter bomb, but mark my words. You will find out. And if it is just glitter, glitter is impossible to get out of things.