1. To a nurse who contracted the Ebola virus while caring for a patient:
I’m doing this interview remotely. Maybe you should’ve thought of that?
2. To an innocent man cleared by DNA after spending 30 years in prison:
I guess nobody believed you?
3. To the lone survivor of an airplane crash:
I guess what I’m wondering is, what prevented you from picking the lock on the cockpit door and flying the plane yourself?
4. To the soldier wounded in a special op:
Why not just go around the land mines?
5. To the wife of a male politician caught with a prostitute:
No offense, but did you try Pilates?
6. To the heart surgeon who accidentally killed a patient:
Before you punctured the lung, did you consider she might need that to breathe?
7. To the professional hockey player who fractured his skull:
OK, but you chose to play hockey. Is there anything inside that skull you actually need?
8. To the victim of police brutality:
Why not just tell the officer the chokehold was too tight?
9. To the middle-school girl whose former BFF stole her boyfriend:
I guess you’re re-thinking the whole second base thing right about now, huh?
10. To the oppressed woman living under Taliban rule:
The burka. Love it? Or make it stop?
11. To an unemployed factory worker who’s been looking for work for years:
The McDonald’s by my house is looking for fry cooks. Have you tried there?
12. To the hotel guest who was eaten alive by bedbugs:
You didn’t sleep in the bathtub? Wow, OK, Prince Charles.
13. To the family whose house was swept away by a tsunami:
One time when I was surfing, I lost my board. So I totally get it.
14. To a woman who escaped from a North Korean prison and wrote a memoir:
Scary stuff. I still think The Hunger Games is a little better though.
15. To a counselor who was banned from the Boy Scouts for being gay:
But going camping is a choice, right? You see where I’m going with this?
16. To a toddler who fell off a chair and knocked out her front teeth:
Looking back, is there anything you should have done differently?
17. To the gas-station attendant who was held up at gunpoint:
Don’t gas stations all sell Mace like, right there at the counter? What the hell, bro?
18. To a sexual-assault victim attacked by a powerful celebrity:
You know, there are ways to not perform oral sex…biting?
19. To an aid worker recently beheaded by an extremist Islamic terrorist group:
You know, there are ways to not get your head cut off…ducking?
20. To a polar bear who almost drowned because of disappearing ice floes:
You know, there are ways not to drown…swimming?