Whatever it is you want right now, as hard as it is to believe, you probably can’t effort your way there. You can’t think hard enough and push yourself into exhaustion and it will magically show up. Epiphanies don’t come from thinking sessions. They come from surrender.
You know what else comes from surrender? Confidence. I don’t know why no one ever explicitly says that, or it’s not said as often as it should be. But it’s true.
Confidence comes more often from exhaustion than it does from making the effort to be more true to yourself. It stems from placing so much energy, so. much. energy., into things that don’t serve you, until you reach your tipping point and you realize, wow, what a waste of goddamn time that was.
You get exhausted of trying to care yourself into an outcome that just won’t come. And you find yourself a fresh perspective, one that knows the worth of your energy, and one that refuses to waste it on insignificant time, people, places or things. That’s confidence. Not an Instagram picture or a tell-off, but just true and unequivocal surrender. You don’t need to explain yourself anymore. Your opinion is the one that matters, and those who believe in you don’t need an explanation anyway.
When you feel everything deeply, fear seems to be the strongest feeling of all. I’ve found the easiest way to conquer my own fear is to focus my energy on making others feel safe. The most effective way to do that is to be honest about what you are most scared of. It makes people feel like they have the right to be scared too, they open up, and you both realize you aren’t as alone as you thought you were. Because you never are. We’re all going through it, and it’s tough.
So slow down.
Slow the hell down. You aren’t getting there any faster by making yourself feel like you have a deadline, or like you have to measure up to your friends. Another secret I’ve learned? True friends don’t make you feel like there’s a deadline. They make you feel like you yourself are worth what comes your way, and that it will find you when you’re ready. You know who else makes you feel like that? Your dream lover.
Just kidding, you do. You do! Do you hear me? I’m shaking your shoulders through the screen.
Drop the pressure. Let yourself daydream. That’s where the real magic happens. That’s where the life-altering realizations creep in. You won’t find many efficient, optimal listicles on how effective daydreaming is. But my GOD, is it effective. Let yourself find yourself and stop looking for that everywhere and in everyone else dammit. You’re right there, just let yourself catch up. How could you possibly do that you do that, you ask?