There will come a time when I’ll miss this moment. When I’ll crave for what I have now. And no matter how much I try to wake up to that fact, it’s impossible to wrap my head around a moment that hasn’t left yet.
There will be a time when the shows I watch, the music I listen to, and the current news that I read will go down like a burning shot of nostalgia instead of a simple fact of today. There will be a time when the doorways I walk through daily and think nothing of will transform into significant moments of finality. And I want to be present for it as much as I can.
There will come a time when I long for the wrinkle-free face I currently condemn for every miniscule flaw. A time when I wish I could relive the carefree moments that I currently regret for not having known better.
Waiting for me are nights that are filled with obligation, where I long for the times that I had the luxury of telling friends we would get together later because “I’m tired” or “I had a long week”. Sunday nights full of guilt for not having been productive enough will be traded for Sunday nights that are rushed with preparation for the week ahead.
It’s in these moments that I embrace the clarity I am usually chasing. These moments when I realize how not one moment of this life is superior to the next or previous. None of it is something to “get through”. It truly is just pieces of a whole, not moments in time that we trade up for an ever-elusive span of perfection and contentment.
They aren’t wrong when they say you pay for experience with your youth. But I’ve come to learn, the best way to get the most bang for your buck is to be present for as much of it as you can.
I have spent so much of my life wishing I could go back or skip ahead. But right now, I just want to be here. I want to feel the pain I’m feeling, and know that it won’t be forever. I want to strive for whatever I’m striving for and know that I will either achieve it or find something even more suited for my life (because that’s really the only way to go). I want to love the ones around me as hard as I can while they are still here.
I want to bend and break under the struggles of my youth, because these moments are the ones that are shaping me into more of who I am. Every day, I get closer to finding out who that is. Sometimes I like it, other times I don’t, but I’m learning that perfection can truly only exist on a platform. And even then, it comes with conditions.
If I were to place an analogy to it, I would simply say that the playlist of my life is on shuffle, and there isn’t a song that’s worth skipping.