I would start my days with all of the activities I am used to sleeping through. I’d watch the sunrise and not worry about how tired I was going to be later. I would go for a run and stop worrying about the time and distance because for once my pace would just be enough. I would make myself the breakfast that I usually reserve for weekends, and I would give myself enough time to sit down and eat it.
I would go to my dream job. The one that I once believed I wasn’t good enough for. I would work my ass off, not to prove myself to anyone, but because I love working my ass off. I would leave the office for lunch, and I wouldn’t check my watch or email every two seconds because I’d somehow convince myself that I am only and especially needed when I am not present. I would eat some damn good food and be in some damn good company while doing so, even if that company was just myself.
I would put effort into myself instead of everyone around me. I would figure out what it is about me that I have been trying so hard to escape all these years and I would decide that I am not something that needs escaping from. I would tell myself that perfect does not equate to lovable. I would show myself that there is nothing lovable that is also perfect. I would laugh because I have always sucked at math and that’s why I sometimes suck at correlation. I would let myself laugh at the things I suck at instead of trying to correct them overnight.
I would stop withholding affection for fear of looking a certain way. I would grab people by the shoulders and tell them that I love them and list for them every way they have changed my life for the better. I would let myself cry without feeling like it makes me look weak or too sensitive.
I would travel more. I would explore more, even if it was just a new spot in my neighborhood. I would stop worrying about things falling apart in my absence (they never do). I would spend the money that I earned and not feel guilty because it will never matter how much money I make since it’s the memories that will be accompanying me to the grave.
I would catch planes and hold hands and kiss faces. I would close my eyes for some moments and open them for others. I would try to hold on to the now and let go of the rest. I would believe that everything is going to be okay so much, that those around me couldn’t help but do the same.
If I believed that everything would work out for me, I would sit down and write out how different my life would be. Then I would do my best to go out and live it, while I still have the chance.