They say that you shouldn’t be happy when someone comes back. That you should choose someone who doesn’t leave in the first place. I used to believe that too, but the older I get, the more I realize how misguided that belief is.
Life has turned out to be filled with a lot more pain than I ever anticipated. Some of it I have caused, and other times it has been received. Oftentimes, I think that the pain is so great that I have to leave people behind in order to protect myself. And sometimes, those people show up again to prove me wrong. To show me that they do have more to give. To show me that not everything in life is forever, even pain.
So, I write this for the ones that have come back. The ones that have seen my flawed hasty decision making on their character and decided I was still worth forgiving. That I was still worth knowing. The ones that I have looked in the eye and let them look back, seen all of the brokenness that lies within and thought this is still good. I write this for the ones with whom I share a love so strong that it is unspoken, but undeniable in the ebb and flow of how we always find our way back. I want to be better for you so that I don’t doubt such a love anymore. I want to tell you that it’s not the impeccable, never-go-wrong type of love that makes me believe in something bigger. It’s this.
It’s experiencing the nights where the ones who hurt me are the ones I most want comfort from, turned into mornings where I wake up to something so familiar it feels like I never lost it to begin with. That’s what makes me believe in something bigger. It’s seeing how messed up everything can get, including each other, and knowing that perfection isn’t necessary for something to be worthwhile. It’s taking a moment from cleaning out the toxicity from my closet, and realizing that not everything that causes pain has to be labeled as such. Sometimes, forgiveness is worth it. Sometimes, accepting the flaws in others only gives you more room to accept the flaws within yourself. You are so worth loving, and you have shown me that I am too.
So often, I find myself trying to be impressive more than anything else, and it’s those times that I look back on and realize I was wasting my time. You are the reasons that I can unlearn this suffocating desire to be perfect and just let myself live the way I am. You are the reasons I can write more honestly because you show me that I’m a little less alone. You are the reasons I keep writing in the hopes that I can make others feel a little less alone.
You have shown me that nothing lasts forever. But more importantly, you have shown me that it doesn’t have to. This is still good.