Through the many phases of life we’ve undergone since we met, one thing has remained constant – our friendship. It’s almost unfathomable to believe that such a time existed when we didn’t call each other up when something remotely exciting happened, when we weren’t there to wipe up the tears and other fluids after a night of too much fun, when we thought we had it all figured out just to watch it crumble beneath our feet yet again. Life is never really these big defining moments. I mean sure, there definitely are some. But the really massive, supernova gems are the summation of these gentle subtleties that we accumulate as we all gradually and begrudgingly grow up.
When I was younger, it was always the things that I felt I would inevitably have to face that would terrify me the most. As I look more closely though, it seems to be the opposite. It’s not the possible that scares me anymore. We have the possibility to remain friends throughout the rest of our lives, regardless of distance, circumstance, or time. This does not scare me. What terrifies me is something so irrational and impossible that it makes reality surprisingly that much more beautiful. I am terrified of the fact that had the universe shifted in another direction many years ago, we would not have graduated from being strangers. Had my locker not been where it was, had I not dated that boy who broke my heart, had I stayed put and played it safe, had I not sat down at that table in the dining hall, none of this would have been. The only thing I am more terrified of than being active now is abstaining from life. This is the gift you have given me.
It almost feels cruel doesn’t it? We stood by each other, building one another up, forming ourselves and one another into who we needed to be today in order to face the next part of our lives. A part of life where we won’t be intertwined in everything we do. A part of life where we have the opportunity and gift to watch each other grow separately, not grow apart, just grow separately. Again, I find myself afraid of the irrational. I am terrified that somehow I will let this all slip through my fingers, that somehow I’ll forget everything you’ve taught me, that somehow I will let you down. I won’t though because I can’t. I’ve seen pieces of you play out in my own life as you have formed and molded a part of me. I have also experienced the pure beauty in seeing myself reflected in who you have become as well.
The world tends to romanticize the wrong things sometimes. Everyone wants to fall in love and grow old together. I sit here and think how wonderful it is that we got to be young together. We got to fuss over things so trivial, we felt each fight was apocalyptic only to come out stronger and laugh in the face of our disagreements. We got to build our confidence up like a game of Jenga only to have one wrong piece pulled and watch it all tumble down only to build it back up again. We got to see each other’s insecurities, uncertainties, fear, false-confidence, heartbreaks, and milestones. I suppose this is what growing old is when you stop romanticizing the destination.
I want to remember who we are right now, before the world has laid its heavy hand upon our young hearts. I want to remember the trivial things we worry about now that are disguised as detrimental so that we can laugh about this later when we have “real problems”. I wish I remembered everything that we’ve been through but knowing that you were there through it all will have to be enough. It is enough.
I wish I could physically take you with me through every phase of life. However, I do not wish to alter the course of the universe for my previous mentioned irrational fear of things not panning out in the beautiful messed up way that they are supposed to. Having you the way I do will have to be enough. It is enough.
Growing up really sucks, but it sucks a lot less since I have you.