woman standing in the middle of wheat field

I Won’t Apologize For Leaving You

I won’t keep over apologizing for my mistakes and taking ownership for my flaws. For feeling the way I did and trying to honestly convey and express it.

I won’t apologize for things getting hard and trying to save us and fix them. Looking back now, I realize we wouldn’t have made it even if we didn’t face our own challenges.

I won’t apologize for loving and wanting to be loved the same way in return. For caring and wanting to be cared for.

We met at the most peculiar of times, both of us getting out of long-term relationships in parallel and finding our new ways on our own. I was used to this and I was used to being on my own.

This was new for you, and I will never apologize for encouraging you to do what YOU felt was right and what was best for YOU. Either way, I was okay being on my own. I never needed you, I wanted you. I fell for your beautiful heart and even your ugly imperfections and accepted everything that came with that. I won’t apologize for being vulnerable. I won’t apologize for being myself, and above all, I won’t apologize for always supporting you as a friend.

I hate that I will never know what I truly meant to you. I feel like I was just a sponge to you, someone who you poured out all your constant thoughts and worries to, your every emotion. All of your anger and frustrations with her.

We had rare, beautiful glimpses into what we would truly be like together, but most of the time it was about you—and it was about her. Even though it was over, everyone around you knew it was never really over. You could never fully let me in because you really weren’t over her. I see that now.

In time, I thought you’d move on and let her go. I was becoming weak from always being your safe port through stormy seas. When I needed that same safety and reciprocation back, you couldn’t be there for me. I won’t apologize for finally breaking and being weak. I now realize I was still the strong one and it was you who was weak. You let someone you “loved” face the scariest times in their lives all alone. Your smooth talking didn’t match your actions, and if you cared, you would have found some way to hold my hand through the dark graveyard of emotions I faced—a graveyard so dark even the light of the moon couldn’t reach it.

I won’t apologize for trying to keep it all together and fighting for us. I won’t apologize for making my voice heard and fighting for what I knew I deserved and needed, even if that wasn’t you.

I won’t apologize if my feelings made you uncomfortable. I had weathered many uncomfortable storms with you and just needed my partner to do the same back for me.

I won’t apologize for leaving. I won’t apologize for picking up the pieces to my broken heart and never looking back. I won’t apologize if I see you and you’re just another stranger. I won’t apologize anymore, because you’re the one who should really be sorry.

About the author
“Dont give up the universe always falls in love with a stubborn heart” Follow Erika on Instagram or read more articles from Erika on Thought Catalog.

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