At some point, you’ve likely fantasized about seducing a smolderingly sexy married person. The appeal of forbidden fruit is undeniable and the temptation to lure an attached person away from their (seemingly) dull and apathetic relationship can be fierce. But proceed with caution, because the side-effects of adultery can be disastrous, especially for the single interloper (that’d be you). Here are a few things to consider before you attempt this risky, yet utterly erotic, feat of getting involved with a married person.
1. S/he’s done this before.
The married person will inevitably tell you that they’ve “never done this before.” Perhaps they haven’t, not to this degree, but once a cheater, always a cheater, even if the previous affairs were capped at the level of emotional over-sharing via email or a platonic (but totally flirtatious) friendship. That come-hither look that makes you weak in the knees? Well-practiced. Those sexts that leave you breathless? Recycled material. Nothing is new in this situation except your name.
2. The sex will be hot.
Possibly the hottest sex of your life, thanks the orgasmic cocktail of chemistry and anticipation inherent in affairs. S/he’s a tiger, uncaged. You’re going to get all the RAWR that’s been hoarded during the marriage. (Lucky you.) Then you will get addicted.
3. But you’re not going to get laid that often.
Scheduling a secret rendezvous is a pain-in-the-ass for a married person. S/he has to come up with an alibi. Depending on how attentive or possessive the spouse is, s/he’ll have to explain the time away from home, why dinner didn’t get made or the bills went unpaid, why the laundry’s unfolded and there’s dog poop on the floor. (S/he was home all day, right?) Unless the spouse is deployed or away on frequent business trips, hanky-panky time will frequently get canceled last-minute, then rescheduled, then canceled. As the on-call interloper, nothing is guaranteed to you. You get what you get and you don’t make a fit.
4. There will be dead space.
Lots of it. Periods of non-communication that will drive you insane with wondering if s/he’s forgotten about you or simply doesn’t have a moment alone with his/her phone to reassure you everything’s okay. (Everything is never okay in an affair.) You will spin and fret and feel more insecure with every minute of silence that ticks by. Is she fucking her husband? Is he ruminating on the sideline of his kids’ soccer game? Are they analyzing the situation in therapy together? Or getting talked out of it by their best friends? You’ll never know. You’ll just wait and curse at your phone. How fun for you.
5. The fabulous personality you fell in lust with is a temporary facade.
When the shit hits the fan (and it will, sooner than you think), you are going to get an up-close-and-personal look at some very raw, unruly emotions. There will be crying and overwrought talks about what to do next. There will be mood swings and arguments. There will be threats and promises and apologies and you’ll never know which are genuine and which are utter bullshit. Everyone’s masks will come off, and it won’t be pretty.
6.You’re not special.
The married party might make you feel like a freakin’ unicorn at first, but you’re not. You are replaceable and interchangeable, as disposable as a jizz-drenched tissue—because it was never about you. It was about the married person, fulfilling an unmet need, quenching a life-threatening thirst, satiating a savage hunger. The “who” doesn’t matter all that much. You are convenient, but not unique. Don’t kid yourself.
7. S/he doesn’t want to hear about your day.
The married person already listens to his/her spouse recount every mundane, tedious detail of his/her day. S/he isn’t interested in yours. S/he is even less interested in discussing your feelings (because the married person is the one who’s really suffering in this situation, right?). The married person wants to be showered with affection and flattery. That is your job, interloper. To give everything and expect nothing. To be needless and selfless. To adore and admire.
8. S/he’s never going to leave.
This is doubly true if children are involved. Affairs can have the twisted consequence of making marriages stronger. Even if the marriage doesn’t survive, s/he probably won’t end up with you long-term. And why would you want him or her to be yours, really? A relationship built on deception and lies makes for a poor foundation for the future. And divorces are an extended torture, even when both parties want out. There will be much bitching and moaning about spousal support, custody, who gets what. It will be excruciating, for anyone. And if you beat the odds and make the newly divorced person your husband or wife, you will live in a constant state of fear and anxiety about whether or not s/he will be faithful to you. You’ll also cringe every time someone asks how you two met and likely have to lie so as not to be socially shunned.
In short, single interloper, you will be mind-tricked, wrung out, and completely depleted by the time the affair is all said and done. Not that the vicious cycle of pursuit, pleasure, pain, relief, and despair won’t be exhilarating. It will be. But be prepared to walk away empty-handed, bereft, and bitter. Affairs are not for the faint of heart, but they are some of the most memorable, and regrettable, experiences you’ll ever have. With all that said, enjoy!