I recently felt a jolt of emotional inspiration when I read the now-viral list of things that made a man’s wife cry. I loved this so much because it’s beyond relatable. We as women can and will cry about any and everything. Sometimes I’ll cry about worthy things, but a lot of times I’ll cry because I chipped a nail three days after getting a manicure. It depends on a lot of circumstances. Am I dramatic? Absolutely. Do I get a pass because I’m a girl and being dramatic is in my nature? Absolutely.
I can be certain I’m not the only girl with this unhinged emotional response. Check out this stat: Between birth and the age of 78, the average woman will cry for more than 12,000 hours. That’s an equivalent of 16 months of tears.
In honor of that, this article is for all the ladies who are true criers. I’m not talking about the, “Oh, I cry maybe once a year or if I go through a horrible breakup,” criers. I’m talking to the, “I’m crying at the grocery store because there’s a guy carrying his girlfriend’s case of water and I have to carry mine on my own” girls, and the, “I’m sobbing just thinking about how cute babies look in fuzzy onesies with bear ears” women. Hello… you out there? This one’s for you!
1. At Funerals And Wakes.
Let’s start with this super obvious one. Woman are not only allowed to cry at very sad occasions like funerals and wakes, they’re also inclined to cry at the mere thought of them. If I think hard enough about that fact that somewhere right now a little 95-year-old man is dying I will cry. No, I don’t know him or even what he looks like. Yes, he’s lived a long life. But, it’s still sad. I will cry.
2. At Every Wedding.
There are so, so, so, so, so, so, many reasons why weddings are a responsible place for a woman to cry. The bride, for one, is allowed to cry at any moment they’d like. But female guests, too, are allowed to shed tears.
If the girl is a “cries at happy things” type, she’ll likely have tears streaming down her face as the bride walks down the aisle. If she’s a “cries at sad things” type, she’ll be sniffling when the Maid of Honor’s speech mentions a deceased relative. If she’s a “cries because she feels bad for herself” girl, she’ll be balling in the bathroom because she’s the only single person there over the age of 18. Worst of all, if she’s the “cries at everything” kind, she’ll cry because her feet hurt, or because someone showed up wearing the same dress, or because Meredith’s boyfriend has been dancing with her for an hour and you only went up for one song so far. Despite the exact classification, fellas all around the reception hall please consider yourself warned — there will likely be tears.
3. When Watching Any YouTube Video Or Movie.
I once cried watching “Gangnam Style,” so really nothing is off limits. YouTube videos that will certainly warrant a cry include anything involving human illness, sick or mistreated dogs, babies and dogs together, babies by themselves, anytime someone from the military is returning to or leaving their family or dog, etc. (YouTube, you devil… the “No Cry Challenge” actually nearly killed me.) All movies of all genres are included here too, depending on what kind of day she’s having.
4. When Listening To Adele, Taylor Swift or John Legend.
Thought “Shake It Off” was more of a safe, dance tune? Not when it’s being listened to after we just saw a picture of a kitten in mittens.
5. When They’re Tired, Hungry, Feeling Fat, Stressed, Sick, PMSing, Broken Hearted or Encounter Something Terribly Cute.
In my expert opinion, many emotional problems could be solved if women were able to get enough sleep, eat whatever they wanted without gaining weight and be treated kindly on a regular basis by men. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work this way, so here we are with crocodile tears because our boyfriend gets to order fries without worry and we’re stuck picking at a side salad without dressing as our stomach growls. On the opposite end of the spectrum, really cute things… OMG. Like those Christmas cards kids write to their parents that say things like, “I luv u even more than Santa.” OMG. OMG.
6. When Someone Is Mean To Them.
A little advice — don’t be mean to women, ever (unless you are also a woman, in which case, it could end in everyone crying). Bottom line, mean is the WORST.
7. When Anyone Else Is Sad Within A 200-Mile Radius.
When God created woman I assume he programmed each of us with a mechanism that forces tears out of our eyes the instant we see or hear of anyone else being sad. It’s not just people who are currently sad. Tears can be induced thinking about people who used to be sad. I saw my dad cry once at his father’s funeral when I was 5, and sometimes if I need a cry I just think about that and then… voila!
8. If The Wind Blows The Wrong Way.
“Stupid wind! Literally NOTHING is going the right way today!!!!”
9. Anytime They Want.
I’ve cried in a mall dressing room, at the beach, once or twice at yoga, dozens of times at the bar, inside, outside, upstairs, downstairs, at home, while traveling, in the bath, in the kitchen scrubbing dishes, at a restaurant because the waitress was rude-ish, sitting on traffic, once because I lost internet connection when I needed it, another time because someone might have given me the middle finger at a red light, and on and on forever. At the end of the day, truly, it’s a woman’s prerogative to sob.
Here is one final warning. If you’re a guy reading this and thinking, “Wow, my girlfriend never cries about any of this shit. I must be really lucky” — then you are in the worst position of all. When your girl finally loses it (which she certainly will!) she’s going to statistically be crying for two months or more without stopping. Poor sucker. For my part, I’ll be over here crying for you, my man.