I love eating and not exercising. I mean, I know for my heart, butt and upper arms I’m doing my body dirty by neglecting to diet, but my mind is just so happy when I’m indulging in anything I want in whatever quantities I want.
If you want to avoid your diet too, I promise you it’s not difficult. In general, you should be living and breathing by these notions: Always choose Happy Hour over the gym. Never look at younger/thinner pictures of yourself. Don’t even attempt to put on that one pair of pants that may or may not be able to fit over your thighs anymore. Over time I’ve perfected certain ways, like this, by which to successfully avoid a diet — even a diet that’s been meticulously planned out.
Here are nine of the most effective ways to avoid your diet. Cheers to calories (consuming them, not burning them)!
1. Find Something Annoying About Your Workout Buddy.
Workout buddies are super helpful if you want motivation to get to the gym. If you’re trying to avoid working out, these people are your kryptonite. What you must do is figure out something that bugs you about your workout buddy, thereby giving yourself a reason to ignore them and skip the gym. Yea, sure, your workout buddy once helped you move out of a seven-story walkup, and that one time she gave you a $100,000 Christmas gift, and, yes, she did give you one little kidney when you were fatally ill and needed it. But, remember that time in 2011 when you texted her, “Hey girl, we going out tonight or what?” and she didn’t respond for TWO HOURS. Like, that was so annoying. She thinks you’re showing up to the gym after getting treated like that? No shot in Hell.
2. Delete Your Diet Apps.
Don’t have space for the new Adele album on your phone? You must delete something, and it sure as shit can’t be the 35 million selfies you’ll never do anything with, or the Words With Friends app you haven’t used since… well, actually you’re not sure if you’ve ever used it. To clear up space, the diet apps have got to go. MyFitnessPal and Weight Watchers? Delete them. Are you using a pedometer app? Delete. Fitbit? Goodbye. You can’t have anything at all making you feel accountable. It’s too detrimental to your overall plan.
3. Drink A lot, And Often.
No, I’m not talking about water — get your head right. Booze, my friend, booze! The more you drink, the more likely you are to eat. You’ll drunk eat, you’ll hungover eat, you’ll second-day-hangover eat. And, the greatest part, you’ll have an excuse for eating so much that you can’t breathe. On a given, non-hungover day in the middle of the week I tend to feel guilty for overeating. But, if I’m hungover or drunk — well, no problem whatsoever. Also, I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that, according to Einstein, eating extra-cheesy quesadillas when you’re drunk actually helps you live longer. Seems pretty logical.
4. Even If You’re Already Dressed For The Gym, Don’t Go.
It doesn’t matter if you’re already in your gym clothes and have your headphones and water bottle in hand. It’s not too late to ditch. Remember that load of laundry you’ve been putting off? Now is the time to do it. Also, I’ve found if my running sneakers are on I move a lot quicker around Target than I normally could, making stocking up on all sorts of junk I’ll never use a lot more fun and timely. Really, just find anything to do instead. I once was dressed for the gym and instead took my dog to an emergency vet visit because I thought he was breathing weird. Apparently, he wasn’t. $150 later and no illness whatsoever detected, I at least succeeded at one thing: staying inactive.
5. Hang Up Pictures Of You At Your Fattest.
Whenever I’d be on a serious diet, I’d always refer to pictures of myself at my skinniest as motivation. Whenever I’m avoiding my diet, I just look at pictures of Fat Me. I say things like, “Oh Jesus! That girl was waaay bigger. I’m definitely fine now,” as I eat a handful of mozzarella sticks. Find some fat pictures of yourself, and hang them up all around your house, especially in the kitchen area. Before you know it, you’ll never feel guilty about eating fettuccini Alfredo again.
6. Never Think About Bathing Suits.
I love being tan, so I love summer. I love being fat, so I also love winter. A helpful trick to not dieting in the winter is never letting yourself even think about bathing suits. Forget they exist. In fact, I pack mine away, put them in a storage bin under my bed, and don’t think about them again until April 1 when I prep my summer crash diet (April Fools! I don’t start my summer diet until May 1… and it lasts until, you guessed it, Cinco de Mayo). If you’re going on vacation to escape the cold weather, bring a few kimono cover ups with you and you’re set. Or, do like Super Fat 12-Year-Old Me would do and wear board shorts over your bathing suit. The tan lines they leave behind are killer. It’ll look like you’re wearing white shorts for every single minute of the rest of the winter.
7. Surround Yourself With Other Eaters.
You know that friend who says her clean diet literally, like, saved her life? Yea, you’re not going to be hanging out with her anymore. You need fatties around! They don’t necessarily need to be fat. They just must enjoy eating all kinds of unhealthy foods. Anyone who throws shade at you while you’re eating gluten is not a true friend. Someone who will share a plate of wings with you? Now, that’s a keeper. When it comes to holidays, spend them with these people who really understand you. And, if you’re invited to multiple Thanksgiving dinners, all of which will be attended by true eaters… attend every one of them. Don’t think you can do it? You can. You know those little Post Its you used to keep around your house to motivate you to diet that said things like “Failure is not an option!” Attending four holiday dinners in one night is your goal, people. Failure is not an option.
8. Try Other Ways Of Increasing Endorphins.
I recently told a relative that I’m not into working out anymore. “What about all those great endorphins you get from working out? Don’t you miss that?” In case my mom ever comes across this article, I won’t discuss the other major activity I partake in that increases endorphins (☺). Also, laughter increases your mood too. And, I’ll tell ya this much, I’ve never laughed at the gym (besides one time when this lady farted in my hot yoga class and I was laughing uncontrollably until the smell finally hit me and then I died). Listening to music increases endorphins too, and so does eating chocolate. Basically, you can do the deed, then sit around laughing, listening to the Adele album — which you’ll now have space for on your phone — and eating chocolate, and be as happy as if you went for a run.
9. Remember, Anyone Can Find Love.
I used to think no one would love me if I was plump. But, as I’ve mastered my plan for avoiding dieting, I’ve realized that, really, anyone can find love. People on “My 600-lb Life” have found love. Hoarders who have dead cats buried under stacks of newspapers from the 1960s have found love. The contestants who’ve consumed mugs of donkey semen on “Fear Factor” have found love (…I think). So, screw dieting. Get fat, don’t shower, let your teeth turn bright yellow. Trust me, there is someone out there who is going to love you all the same. 😍