I recently read an article that said the best way to get people to like you is very simple: listen to them. I, for the most part, am pretty good at listening. I try to be the kind of person who will sit down and listen for hours about your relationship problems, issues you’re having at work, problems with your friends, or really any topic that I can offer valid advice or condolences.
However, there are certain topics that are simply off the table for me. Here are some talking topics that I find particularly intolerable:
1. Any Topic That’s Supplemented By Showing Me 100+ Pictures on Your Phone
Is there anything worse than someone sitting next to you to show you over 100 vacation pictures, along with commentary? Maybe you could just, like, post them on Facebook and I’ll check them out when I’m suffering from insomnia one night. Then at least I’ll be able to look without your chitter chatter. “This was when John and I decided to have breakfast at a diner on Route WhoTheHeckCares.” “John loves pancakes, so that’s why I took this next picture of him making a silly face while eating pancakes at the diner.” “This is us hugging on top of a mountain.”
OK. Do I look like a dumbass to you? I’m not blind, so I don’t need a verbal caption for each photo. And, vacations are really just the tip of the iceberg. I feel I can vouch for many others when I say it is terribly annoying to be forced to hear you explain endless pictures of your children, pets, home improvement projects, meals you’ve eaten this week, etc. Spend some time and pick one picture that you think best conveys what you’d like to show us, and from that – I promise – we’ll get the point.
2. Your Diet
This is so, so boring. I wouldn’t be as offended by this topic if you and I were doing a diet together, and we’re tasked with keeping each other on track. But, if you’re spamming the shit out of my social media channels with hourly updates on a diet I’m not only not participating in – but do not understand (i.e., despite many years of researching this in my free time, I still cannot get how someone’s diet could prohibit alcohol) – than I’m about to block you.
Had a green shake for breakfast? I don’t care. Only shopping organic now? I don’t care. Went for a 12,000 mile run on your lunch break? I don’t care.
3. Lengthy Stories About People I Don’t Know
“I have to tell you this funny thing Anna did last week. You’ll die.”
Maybe I will die…of apathy, if you keep telling me this dull thing about this dull person I don’t know.
When people tell me a super long and meaningless story about someone I’ve never met, let alone heard of, without even prefacing who this person is, I just want to cry. None of us know how much time we have left to spend on this earth, and I for one know I really, truly, from the bottom of my heart, do not want to waste mine listening to how Anna – whoever she is – is so crazy because she skipped her hair appointment to drink mimosas.
4. Your Fantasy Sports Team
And this year’s winner of the Most Boring Talking Topic Trophy goes to…your fantasy sports team.
I say this a lot, but I hate sports, and I even more so hate people who pretend to like sports when they, too, hate sports. So when these such women fake it by joining a fantasy league to fit in with the guys…ugh! When they start talking about the players like they actually know who they are…UGH! When they’re constantly on social media bragging about their team, Hopeless ROMOntic…UGHHHHHH!!!
But, sadly, my wish for an international ban on fantasy sports talk does not only apply to women. Men – I really don’t want to hear it. I don’t enjoy talking about the actual teams, so why the hell would I want to listen to you talk about your made up one? To be clear, when you’re telling me that this week is hard for you because the Giants, your favorite team, are up against your fantasy team’s quarterback and you feel conflicted, to me it genuinely sounds like this: (please read the following aloud to get the full effect) “Blah blah blah-diddy blah. Blah, Giants, blah blah. But, on the other hand, blah blah blah. So, really when you think about it, blah blah blah.”
5. Your Engagement Photos
I’m going to start this point by saying if you’re one of my friends, let’s assume I enjoy your engagement photos. Otherwise, I likely do not.
Some quick thoughts so that people never have to talk to me about their photo shoots ever again: A lot of these pictures are corny as hell, so instead, what about just being yourselves? Wouldn’t it make the most sense if these pictures reflected who you guys are, and things you actually enjoy doing? So, if you’re both super beach-y people who’ve never visited a farm in your lives, but you want my thoughts on how it would look if you were both laying in a field next to a barn, I’m going to think it’s stupid. If you’re both health freaks who never snack, don’t ask me if I like the idea of you two feeding each other ice cream cones, because – frankly – I’m going to hate it. (Unless it’s being used on your Save the Date which says: “Save the date, or we’re eating ice cream for nothing,” in which case I’d kinda think it’s funny).
And, what is this one where you’re looking at Brad and laughing? Isn’t that the same Brad I’ve known since freshman year of college? I’ve never heard that dingbat say one funny thing in the past ten years. Are you telling me he chose your engagement photo shoot day to tell his first joke? Sorry, babe. I’m not buyin’ it.
6. The Dream You Had Last Night
The hair on my arms literally stands up when I hear someone say, “I had the weirdest dream last night…” As we all know too well, it’s usually followed by several minutes of just complete nonsense while you sit there nodding and either pretending to think its funny, or shocking, or sad, or infuriating, or whatever the f*ck. You know what’s good for venting about your crazy dreams? A dream journal.
If I was in your dream and won like $267 million, or I finally met a great man and you were attending our wedding and bringing me a super cool gift, than yea, go ahead and let me know. Otherwise, I’m tagging in someone else to listen.