If you’re a heavy drinker like me, having a cliché hangover is actually quite simple! Just follow these 8 steps, and repeat the cycle as often as you’d like.
1. Assess Your Surroundings
First, open your eyes and frantically figure out where you are and who you are. Determine your level of safety. It should range on a scale of very safe (your own bed) to very unsafe (the desert). Say things like:
- Where the hell am I?
- Who the hell is this next to me?
- Where the hell are my clothes?
- Why the hell do I drink so much?
Then, send out a mass text about how “crazy” and/or “wild” you are. You had an insane night, and everyone must know.
2. Piece the Puzzle Together
Once you’ve gotten yourself to safety, try to remember anything you can about the previous night. Did you personally offend anyone? Did you drunk eat? Is there vomit around? Are you covered in bruises? Are you the reason someone else woke up covered in bruises? Don’t worry though – it’s not time to stress over the answers just yet.
3. Brush it Off
For now, you’re drunk still and in denial, so everything is fine and dandy. Text your friends things like, “Wow, I can’t believe I drank so much last night and I’m not even hungover.” Because, damn it, you feel great. Use this very proud and brave time to go through your texts/calls/social media actions from the night before. If you want to have a truly traditional hangover, it’s vital that you had used your phone for some sort of stupid thing (drunk texting an ex, accidently liking your new fling’s ex ‘s Instagram picture from 102 weeks ago, making an incredibly dumb/long Snapchat story, etc.). But, who the heck cares that you did these things! No problems here. Life is *good*.
4. Rehash With the Squad
Because you’re still feeling so wonderful, send a message in your group text asking if your friends want to grab brunch. If all goes well, it should take no less than 2 hours to decide on a restaurant. Head out the door while happily debating what sort of artery-clogging side you’ll order.
When you get to the restaurant, get a Bloody Mary – you deserve it. Say something like, “I don’t know how I’m even drinking again right now.” Chat with your friends to resolve any remaining mysteries about the night. What happened to your shoes? Why were you buying beers for homeless people in a bodega? Your friend who stays mostly sober by sipping only a couple of craft beers per outing will try to tell you every single move you made the night before. (Side note: This friend is also likely the kind to insist you call them by their full name – “Rich? Oh, no. I prefer to go by Richard. *takes sip of Paul Revere Pomegranate Inspired-by-the-British Summer Ale*”). As the memories begin to flood your brain, anxiety hits. As everyone rambles on, scan your social media again to see if anyone tagged you in anything horrendous. Don’t listen to a word your friends are saying now, and instead find a meme about being super hungover and post it.
You’ll seem to be making it through the meal just fine until you’ve almost reached the end. Then, your stomach will rumble and you’re officially done for.
5. Enter Hell
Now back home, the walls are closing in. You’ve been here in the past, but you don’t remember it being this bad. Really, you’ve “never been this hungover before.” Send one or more of the following texts:
- I’m never drinking again.
- I really need an intervention.
- I would really rather be dead right now.
- I’m dead.
- I’m literally dying.
- Dead. (💀💀)
In an attempt to feel better you:
- Pull the trigger
- Drink small, paced-out sips of sugary soda
- Drink an ice-cold pitcher of water
- Take deep breaths
- Stand in front of a fan
- Stand under a fan
- Lie on your back, stomach, and then on either side
- Curl up in the fetal position while praying to Jesus
6. Sleep for 100 Hours
Hit the hay and wake up hours and hours later. Now, the things you used your phone to do last night aren’t nearly as funny. You go into full panic mode over the way you behaved. You figure you’ve got two options: Text everyone you bothered and apologize for being so drunk and sloppy, or delete all texts and memories and pretend they never happened. Stress over which option to choose as you toss around in bed sweating and complaining.
7. Pizza and Netflix
Don’t acknowledge that every other drunk in your Newsfeed is also doing something similar, and make a Facebook status that reads: “I guess I’ll try pizza and Netflix :) #HangoverCure”.
Bring yourself thousands of snacks to your bed and boot up your computer. This next part is vital: Text your friends to ensure they saw online that you’re still unbelievably hungover and eating in bed while binge-watching Orange is the New Black. How funny and weird are you that you’re doing this? “LOL.” You must keep reiterating to the masses how hungover you still are. Because, let’s be real – a hangover is simply not a hangover if you haven’t told everyone about it all. day. long.
8. Continue to Talk About Your “Brutal Hangover”
At work the next day, remember to tell all your work friends how awful you felt the day before. You should tell them some more about how you’re never drinking again, and how you embarrass yourself every time you drink and it’s getting old. They will listen quietly while politely nodding. They know by Thursday you’ll be begging them to do happy hour because you’ve had “such a long week.” Then, begin entire cycle again.