Guys and girls think about most things differently (aside from maybe pizza). Here is a he said/she said rundown of the Oscars that provides both POVs. Thanks to Phillip Foxx for being the “Him” to my “Her.”
HIM: I have three predictions for tonight:
1. Birdman takes Best Picture.
2. In a rare situation, Richard Linklater gets best director.
3. Harvey Weinstein is thanked by EVERYBODY. Seriously, is he in charge of all the studios?
HER: Here are my three predictions:
1. Reese Witherspoon wins best actress. I want to hate Reese, but it’s impossible.
2. Bradley Cooper will look scrawnier than he did in American Sniper, which will lessen his hotness factor by, say, 10%, but I’ll still love him to death. (LOL to 2011 when everyone was in an angry uproar that People named him Sexiest Man Alive.)
3. The show will be long and boring and I’ll end up on the phone with my sister discussing Kanye’s new clothing line and what we ate today.
HIM: As a straight man: Will anyone look better than McConaughey did in his white tux last year? And who will have a beard better than Jared Leto? Nobody.
HER: I still wake up in the middle of the night with a jolt of envy re: Jared Leto’s 2014 Oscars hair. In my 28 years on earth my locks have never once looked as lush.
HIM: If Travolta shows up I’m looking forward to seeing that possum on his head. He makes Trump look like Fabio. Faker than Bruce Jenner’s privates. (Too soon?)
HER: Jennifer Lopez looks like she’s starring on My Super Sweet 16. I think Jessica Chastain borrowed that dress from my nana. Khloe Kardashian – stunning in red.
HIM: Jared Leto has not let me down. He is the best looking super-short-guy-with-a-beard since Gimli from Lord of the Rings. Speaking of Peter Jackson (LOTR), why are all directors so beardy? Gillette should sponsor Spielberg, Guillermo del Toro, etc. I’m sure they could get one of them to direct a commercial for free if they trade in for razors.
HER: Let’s hope Anne Hathaway isn’t here.
HIM: Here we go. Let’s see what NPH has got.
HER: They should bring Kevin Hart in to host. Also, I wonder if Jack Black was nominated for School of Rock. A true classic.
HIM: I know this is Internet blasphemy, but Anna Kendrick is so “meh” to me. She’s like a chicken salad. It offends no one, but excites even less people.
HER: Anna Kendrick reminds me of that Pitch Perfect “Cups” song which I HATE. For months on end my friends would do the cups routine on repeat, and I, in turn, would give them chokeslams on repeat.
Speaking of wrestling moves — did I see The Rock in the audience?! La la la laaloovve The Rock.
HIM: They should have brought in Louis CK to host. But it might be a little too much like when Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globes and offended everyone. My favorite hosts: Billy Crystal, Ellen, Billy Crystal, Chris Rock, Billy Crystal
HER: Dakota Johnson introducing Maroon 5. I wonder what it’s like to get up in front of a crowd realizing many of those people have seen you naked. I don’t even like seeing any of my exes anywhere because I feel like they’re looking at me naked in, like, Target or whatever.
HIM: Oh, Dakota and Adam Levine. So they are definitely going hard vanilla 2015. I swear to God if Macklemore shows up I’m gonna watch bowling.
HER: CHANNING TATUM!!!!!
HIM: Channing Tatum is the best. I’d let him sleep with my sisters. Since I have no sisters…you’re welcome.
HER: I’m just now realizing the quality of movies I watch is fairly low. Unless one day a movie based on a Nicholas Sparks book is nominated for Best Picture I’m just going to sit here clueless.
HIM: So Boyhood and Birdman seem to be in a class of their own. Making a movie over 10+years is impressive. Not to mention Michael Keaton basically playing himself is pretty cool.
HER: The performance of “Everything is Awesome” is now my #4 top fear, directly following 1). possums 2). Leather Face and 3). Nicholas Cage. That shit was freaky.
HIM: When did Jason Bateman get so old???? I’ve been watching too many Arrested Development reruns, I guess. He also looks like a douche. Like ‘scoff in the grocery store because they are out of a certain brand of kale’ douche.
HER: I really don’t care about any of these awards. As a writer I probably shouldn’t say the people behind the actors don’t matter (of course screen play writing matters!) but, candidly, I only want to see celebs. Show me Clooney.
HIM: I like seeing the behind scenes people. They are so perfectly out of place. It’s like when a stagehand has to adjust a prop in High School drama. You know they aren’t supposed to be there but you can’t not watch.
HER: As Gwyneth walks on stage something inside of me is dying. She is the worst kind of human.
HIM: Gwyneth Paltrow. At least she’s not as bad as Katherine Heigl, Heigl is the girl at the bar who c*ck-blocks you all day. Then some French dude comes in and she’s in her own world of making out and lamb skin condoms. And she also probably drinks sangria. Sangria is the worst.
HER: Gwyneth is that friend who meets you for dinner and comments that you look “great” while giving you the up and down side look. Then, she insists on educating you on the ingredients in everything on the menu and suggests you both choose something low-cal since summer is coming up and “we should watch our girlish figures”. I’d like to smack her.
HIM: If I had an accidental guy dream about Chris Evans I wouldn’t be embarrassed.
HER: New life plan…. move to Cali, seek out a sound editing nerd and marry the hell outta him.
HIM: God Jared Leto is awesome. I’m growing a beard and it just shrunk out of embarrassment.
HER: Jared Leto is 43 years old and looks younger than me which I find quite alarming.
I’ll be happy if Emma Stone wins tonight. She is lovely.
HIM: Emma Stone has a gigantic head. Don’t get me wrong she’s an amazing actress but holy hell the head-to-body proportion is legendary.
HER: KEVIN HART!!!
HIM: I’m giving a NPH a straight C so far. Not his fault the writing is just vanilla. I’ve said that word a lot. I need ice cream.
HER: The Gods of the Oscars must have some sort of pact that they can’t let things get toooo funny. For Christ’s Sake, I laughed more today at Jerome Jarre’s 60 second Snapchat story than I have at this entire show.
HIM: Is it me or are we missing a bunch of A-listers? Leo, Clooney, Pitt-Jolie, The whole Pinkett-Smith brigade… what’s going on?
HER: I basically want Leo at every event possible. And what about my girl J Law? My favorite scenario would be if they had her perform Hanging Tree live for the masses. Now that would be something for me to finally laugh at.
HIM: What is going on with Terrence Howard? He is on every drug maybe? Or the teleprompter broke or he had a stroke?
HER: Terrence Howard, you dear thing. There’s no doubt that’s how I would act if I had to present, so now I can finally find something relatable between me and a black male actor.
HIM: If I was on the mic at the Oscar’s I’d like to think I would play it cool, but most likely I would tell a really weak joke and then when I didn’t get a laugh I would freeze up and pee myself. Then I would be the pee guy for the rest of my days.
HER: Chris Pine crying like a wittle bitty toddler. Imma call him Chris Whine.
HIM: I’ve kind of gotten used to seeing Gaga with Tony Bennett lately so I was a little bummed, but she is crushing it. I’m all-in on Lady Gaga in any good musical.
HER: Lady Gaga’s dress on the red carpet sucked. I’m officially bored. I’m Googling the new Selena Gomez/Zedd song and painting my dog’s nails.
HIM: Ben Affleck! No one career has had me in such conflicting opinions. Loved him when he first came out, then hated him, then he made Daredevil and hated him more, now I love him and his directing.
HER: Ben — great in the film business, great as a husband, great as a dad. Wish I could touch his heiny.
HIM: McConaughey!!!! Maybe all the fun people are backstage. I don’t like that. Show them to me!
HER: Shit I was really pulling for a Reese win, but I actually really like Julianne Moore too so OK, OK.
HIM: I love Julianne Moore, but she always plays a character who’s cheating on her husband or sleeping with someone’s husband, so I distrust her. I guess that means she is a really good actress.
Here it is, finally. Final moments of the long night and I have To SPEND THEM WITH SEAN PENN? Barf. Nice stache bro.
HER: Sean Penn you horrifically terrifying looking man. How could you have possibly bagged Charlize Theron?
HIM: Birdman. My prediction! Long night, but great night.
HER: Long night indeed. Going to sleep thinking:
Thank you Jesus for giving me a bit of Travolta. I can’t wait to see many memes of him touching Idina’s face.
How has Jennifer Hudson stayed so thin? I was so sure she would get fat again.
Matthew McConaughey’s new ‘do – IDFWU.