After reading Gone Girl, I started thinking a lot about the notion of the “cool girl”: The one who can look hot at all times, while having less than zero crazy emotions and no cares in the world except beating her guy friends in a football pool and making sure her burger comes with fries. The idea that this kind of girl really exists – in her full cool and easy-going capacity – is sort of bogus.
Despite my own best efforts at putting on the act, the majority of time I’m not actually a cool girl. But, I don’t think I’m the only one faking it. If any of the below resonate with you, you might be faking it too.
1. You tell your man it’s OK to go out for Boys’ Night, but for you it’s Insanity Night
Of course it’s OK to go, you tell him. But, by 8:30 you’re already DYING to know what he’s doing. You text him, “Hope you’re having a fun night!” He doesn’t respond. After some thought you send a follow up fib that reads, “I’m sorry to bug you, but I’m really not feeling well. Would you be able to pick up some NyQuil on your way back later?” Still nothing.
Now you’re really getting mad. You login to Facebook and see his friend Bella checked in at the same bar he was going to. Boys’ night huh? You open Instagram and go directly to Bella’s page. “This Twilight-name-havin’ bitch better be staying away from MY man.” If there’s a picture of him with her he is d-e-a-d. Thank God for him there’s nothing. The next hour is a blur as you stalk all of the Internet for clues as to what he’s up to. You start getting sad imagining what your apartment is going to look like without his stuff when you dump his ass, and consider whether you should start packing everything now. Then, you hear the front door slam. He strolls in with a grocery bag filled with medicine and Gatorade. “Sorry, babe, my phone died right after I saw your texts, but I brought you home a few things.” You hug him tightly and promise yourself you’ll never get that angry with him again…(until the next Boys’ Night).
2. You claim you’re down to eat any kind of food, but have a minor anxiety attack when it’s go-time
Definitely – you say – you can absolutely be the girl who is fit as Kendall Jenner, wears short, tight dresses, and can still eat fast food without flinching. But, when you’re starving on a Saturday night and your boyfriend and his friends decide on Dominos for dinner before you all go out, you’re about to throw a tantrum. Your ass physically cannot handle this. Why can’t these dopes read between your female lines and understand this concept?
3. You think you can handle a casual hookup, but ultimately overanalyze every detail to death
One of my close, platonic guy friends and I had far too much to drink one night recently and, well, one thing led to another. “It was a silly, drunk thing,” I told myself, and wouldn’t let my brain go beyond that. Then, I’m telling the story to one of my girlfriends and she says, “I always knew something was going to happen between you two.” “Really??” I asked. And, just like that, the dam was broken.
I went from being cool as a cucumber to spending hours Googling how I should handle the situation. I took an online quiz to see if I had been subconsciously into him all along. I replayed the night on a loop in my head 150 times. I analyzed clues as to if he’d been acting weird since it happened. Did this change the nature of our friendship? Would I ever have the chance to kiss him again? Then, I drank an entire bottle of wine and fantasized while watching When Harry Met Sally.
4. You proudly declare you can “hang with the guys,” but reach your limit very, very quickly
You roll up with a bottle of whiskey and a thirty pack and say you’re ready for some QT with the dudes. The night is spent with the guys farting next to you at the kitchen table, telling repulsive jokes, debating over which SI Swimsuit Issue model is the hottest, forcing you to play Madden, and ripping on you in front of potential mates at the bar. The whole time your patience is quickly ticking away. At the end of the night, you make a beeline home while contemplating how you’ll spend the next day –getting your nails done, going to Macys or watching a Real Housewives marathon. You opt to squeeze in all three as to effectively eradicate yourself of all gross male memories.
5. You say you don’t want anything for Valentine’s Day, but you want EVERYTHING
Candy, cards, flowers, stuffed animals, jewelry, fancy dinners, vacations, mansions, boats, furs, eternal and endless love <3 <3. Everything.
6. You assure the men in your life that nothing ever bothers you, but – uh – that ain’t true!
You proudly tell the masses that you’re the kind of girl that’s able to kick back and enjoy life without causing any drama. But, let’s be real, shit hits the fan when the grocery store is out of the organic hummus that you made a trip out specifically to get. You try to play it cool at restaurants too, but you end up being the one to angrily send your meal back because you said no onions, and even though you don’t see any onions, you feel like you might have just tasted onion residue. If you’re one to shout “GOD DAMN IT!” and throw some sort of electronic device at the wall, and/or cry like a small, colicky infant because no one commented on your new haircut, than you, my friend, are not a cool girl.