11 Things You Can Do To Be The Most Annoying Asshole Ever

Flickr / Valerie
Flickr / Valerie

According to my sister, I am the most irritable person alive. Sadly, I must agree – a lot of things annoy me. Here are the top ways to get under my skin.

1. Chew Loudly

I hate, hate, hate, hate the noises people make when they eat. The worst for me is anything with a crunch: cereal, chips, pretzels, popcorn, carrots, celery, etc. When I see someone going to grab a crunchy snack I have to take a deep breath and pray that I can drown out the sound of them eating with the sound of my internal sobs. I didn’t go to the movies for over 5 years because the noise of people chewing popcorn would infuriate me to the point that I feared I’d hit someone in the head with their jumbo-sized tub and end up in anger management. Some people define their future ideal children as very smart, well-behaved and well-dressed. I define my ideal children as those who will proactively choose fruit snacks or slices of untoasted bread while in my presence.

2. Avoid Me When I Want Attention

I want a lot of attention when I want it, which could be once a week or a million times a day, depending on my mood. If you want to stay on my good side, play it safe by responding to me always.

3. Pretend You’re Single When You’re Not

I recently was talking to this guy who seemed pretty nice. We’re having a drink at the bar one night and his friend happens to be there, comes up to him and says, “Hey dude! Where’s the girlfriend at tonight?” Meanwhile I’m certain there’s a girl at home on her couch having a glass of Pinot Grigio watching the Notebook and texting her friends about how this guy’s so wonderful and kind of reminds her of Noah. When men like this stop being scummy, the world will be a better place.

4. Talk Excessively About How Great You Are

Ugh. How boring of a topic can we dwell on then how amazing you are. Known fact about humans – they mostly enjoy discussing topics that in some way relate to themselves. That said, why would anyone else possibly have fun listening to you go on and on about yourself as if you’re trying to win a VP position at Apple.

If you’re wondering, “Am I one of those people who only talks about me and my good qualities?” chances are…yes, yes you are.

5. Force Me To Watch Sports Without Liquor

Come over to watch the game on Sunday? Sure. But if I pregame with a bottle of wine, and then take a cab there to find out the drinking will not continue and now I’m stuck without a car, all hell is going to break loose. Get me annoyed in this manner and I’m going to spend every. single. commercial. break forcing you to watch One Direction music videos.

6. Insist I “Need To See” A Funny YouTube Video

On that note, making me sit down to watch anything on YouTube is not going to go over well. I think a lot of things are funny. In fact, I even tend to laugh at those stupid pun jokes that make the average human go, “Really…?” But, if we’re with a bunch of people hanging out and you pull me aside because I just HAVE to see this 8 minute video of a goofy monkey juggling bananas, it’s not going to end well for you, my friend.

7. Tell Me Your Political Views

If there’s anything I care less about than an hour’s worth of talk on how you were voted “Most Attractive” in your high school yearbook, it’s your thoughts on Obamacare.

8. Add Me To A Group Text

Is there anything worse than looking at your phone after a half hour away and having 278 texts? Or when you quickly scroll through and see someone wrote ,“Well, clearly [insert your name here] is too busy to respond lol.” GAHHH. No tiiiimmme for that. Similarly, adding me to a group email chain makes me utterly miserable. Can a tech genius please explain to me how Google is one of the world’s most forward-thinking, intelligent companies, but Gmail sucks so badly? I can never tell who’s replying to what, and then all of a sudden I’m scrolling and I see the initial email again. It’s all just confusing and irritating AF.

9. Tag Me In Ugly Pictures

Why would you ever think I looked pretty in the picture of me that looks like 2007 Khloe Kardashian? Worse than that is when you specifically ask someone not to post a picture and then THEY DO IT ANYWAY. Am I right, ladies? How am I ever going to get that guy who I’m FB friends with but barely knows I exist to get interested in me if I’m on social media looking like Roseanne Barr post-visit to a Chinese Buffet? >:-0

10. Say Things Like, “Wow, You Must Be Really Full!”

Oh, because I ate two slices of pizza and three garlic knots and, oh yea, a few buffalo wings and then a piece of cake and two cookies? Well, OK, bite me. On Sundays I’m allowed to eat whatever I want, and if I don’t think I really was able to eat as much as I could have on Sunday, then I let myself make up for it on any/all other days of the week.

11. Ask Me How I Finished A Series On Netflix So Quickly

“Wow, you must have not gone out in public for weeks to finish all seven seasons so fast, har har, har.” Ickk, go away with your annoying comments. I’m anti-social sometimes – so sue me. Also, maybe I’m just a super fast watcher, OK? Did you ever think of that? Now, buzz off. TC mark

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