We talk all year about how we can’t wait for summer, and when it’s here all we do is complain that we’ll be depressed when it’s over. But then suddenly within 10 seconds of summer ending, people are singing a new tune, and leaping for joy at the thought of their “fall bucket list.” I genuinely like fall, but I’m so, so, so tired of hearing about the same seasonal activities and topics. Here are some top offenders.
1. Pumpkins, Pumpkins, Pumpkins
I’ll be the first to admit I’m pretty basic. So, do I order a pumpkin spice latte at Starbucks on occasion? Yes. But, do I start a countdown to the availability of this drink each year (yes, people really do that), and then, when it arrives, make it part of my daily routine accompanied by endless photos and #PSL? Hmmm, nope. There is a difference between indulging here and there with the flavor and letting it take over your life. I’ve witnessed a woman shouting at a Starbucks barista one January day because the season was over. I honestly thought the customer was going to cry. Flash forward several months and I saw a giant sign hanging in someone’s home that said “Keep Calm and Pumpkin Spice Everything.” Then, I honestly thought I was going to cry.
Pumpkin flavors are taking over America, and it’s making me cranky. I’ve now seen everything imaginable with a pumpkin flavor: peanut butter, potato chips, bagels, cookies, marshmallows, beer, vodka. I became certain our nation is under a spell when I came across a recipe for pumpkin spice salmon.
It’s not just the flavor, it’s the actual pumpkins as well. Since when did taking a picture with a pumpkin become like taking a picture with a sexy A-list celebrity? There is currently a giant step and repeat banner set up at my sister’s college solely for people to swing by and take a picture with…pumpkins. Please re-read the previous sentence. I kid you not.
2. Flannel in the Sun
To get the most optimum pictures with pumpkins, where must one go? The pumpkin patch, of course. Sure, it seems pretty logical to think you look on-point in your signature flannel scouring through the pumpkin patch. But, on the first weekend of October when it’s 75 degrees and sunny no one in their right mind is enjoying standing in an open field wearing a flannel shirt. That shit radiates heat – save it for the ski slopes.
3. Couples Costumes
What is it — the lamer the costume you can get your boyfriend to wear the more you’re proving to the world that you have him under your thumb? There are some couples costumes that I find funny, creative, and/or cute (my cousin and her boyfriend were recently Sandy and Danny from Grease and they looked adorable – love ya girl!), but there are many that I find to be just God-awful. The endlessly repeated couples costumes, oh sweet Jesus. Salt and Pepper shakers, plug and socket, Thing 1 and Thing 2, Barbie and Ken – ugh.
Ladies, you’re seriously chipping away at your boyfriend’s manhood if you make him dress up as any Disney prince, a groom (when you’re not actually engaged or married; poor guy), a superhero (sorry, I really hate the superhero couples costumes more than anything), or anything at all involving tights. To you he might look like a well-trained heartthrob who is comfortable with his masculinity. What I see, pretty much, is Jonah Hill from that scene in 21 Jump Street where he’s dressed as Peter Pan. Makes me want to kick you both second to the right, and straight on till morning.
4. Pet Costumes
I’ve never in my 27 years on this planet seen an animal wearing a costume that looks happy. The misery is real. The poor little thing is definitely thinking, “One day when I’m a member of the pet cemetery, I’m going to be coming back to haunt you. Every. Single. Night.”
5. “Scary” Movie Nights
“Can’t wait to cuddle and watch a scary movie tonight with the boo!” Stop. Let me clarify something – Hocus Pocus is NOT a scary movie. And, it’s the only freaking movie being watched.
6. Haunted Houses/Hayrides
If you actually enjoy being tormented by masked characters carrying giant machetes I will pay you $100. What’s worse than the fear of being chased by these maniacs is the thought that the “actors” might be actual maniacs. What’s to prevent a real chainsaw-clad psychopath from showing up and murdering everyone in sight? (Sidenote: I’m a very dramatic human being). And the haunted hayrides? Terrible. Being tortured (but more likely KILLED!!!!) as you drink a hot, nasty cup of apple cider and hay pokes you in the ass. I’d much rather stay home and watch a “scary” movie starring Bette Midler.