For those of us who were born and raised in New Jersey beach towns, local summer is officially upon us. Let us bask in the moments to come this September, when all of the out-of-towners are long gone — when summer share leases have ended and we’re able to find a parking spot right near the beach without having to flip anyone off.
But what is it really that separates us from the tourists that infiltrate our turf? Well, a whole lot! Here are some simple signs you’re a real NJ beach native.
You have never said any of the following things:
- I went through my whole bottle of hair gel this week.
- I’m from Joisey.
- We should set up a volleyball game on the front lawn.
- We should set up an inflatable pool on the front lawn.
- I wish there were more New Yorkers driving around here today.
- Want to get a summer share?
- Where’s that dark bronzer at?
- Youz guys.
- I’m pretty excited to ride my new mountain bike to the beach.
- I love Karma.
- I love “Headliners.”
- What is there to do around here in the winter?
- On today’s agenda: GTL.
- Do you want the top or bottom bunk?
- Tee shirt tiiiime!
- Welcome to the gun show (while flexing).
- I look a lot like Rambo today (while flexing).
- The beach is that way (while pointing and flexing).
- You know Benny is not just a man’s name.
- Speaking of names though, you know less than 3 guys named Tony.
- You’ve never bellied up to the bar shouting “JAGERBOMBS!” I mean hell, you’ll drink ‘em, but you’re not going to act like a douche in the ordering process.
- You’ve never dated a “gorilla juicehead.”
- You have never worn a Corona bikini or a Bumpit.
- You have never worn heels on the beach.
- The amount of animal print clothing/accessories you own is little to none.
- You have never worn an Ed Hardy tee or jorts as a bathing suit.
- You’ve never headed to the bar in a Nike sweatband.
- Pinky ring? Nah.
- You don’t know what a guinea tee is.
- You’ve never stepped foot in Armani Exchange.
- Dog tags and/or giant gold crosses: NEVER.
- Anything that says “DTF”: NEVER.
- Socks and sneakers on the beach: NEVER.
- You have never had a chinstrap.
- You understand that blowouts are exclusively for women.
- You go to the beach, not “down the shore.” (This is my worst pet peeve of all time. I will defend this one until my dying day.)
- You do, in fact, think it’s important to have a solid base tan…achieved from visits to the actual beach.
- You have a good understanding of people’s personal space on the beach. (If I can hear the play-by-play of how you “took like 200 shots of tequila last night” and then puked on your girlfriend, you’re sitting too close.)
- Your hometown beach is both beautiful and clean.
- Your dance move of choice is not the fist pump.
- In fact, you’ve never attempted a fist pump in a serious manner.
- You are damn proud that Bruce Springsteen represents your territory.
- To that end, you’re more likely to go to a bar with a Springsteen cover band than one playing house music.
- You inadvertently judge other Jersey people by their exit off the Parkway.
- You know at least a couple of cab drivers by name and number, so rarely have to worry about hailing a million $$ van to cart you around.
- You don’t spend time at the nearby diner (where the F did this stereotype originate?) because you know where to find all of the quality food in the area.
- You know how to drive in a manner that’s the perfect combination of aggressive and cautious. You are realistic in stopping where there are actual stop signs, NEVER driving below the speed limit on busy roads, properly navigating circles, etc.
- You have some anger issues. (e.g., you feel an urge to kick-drop non New-Jerseyans who ask if you know how to pump your own gas. What do they think you’re stupid? You have traveled to other parts of the country for Christ’s sake.)