1. Admit he’s got to go.
Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. But on the path to admittance, you’re going to have crazy thoughts. Likely, you’ll imagine one last-ditch effort to get this man to love you via a grand gesture. What if you stood outside his apartment and divulged all of your deepest feelings on giant cue cards? Before executing, run it by the nearest male who will assure you that idea sucks.
Once that plan is squashed, there should be significant soul-searching and counting of his misdemeanors as you begin to wonder whether this is someone worth spending your precious time on.
He might be the wrong guy if any of these apply:
- He has zero career ambition
- He’s hooking up with other girls
- He’s happiest when on drugs
- His bedroom floor is covered in crunched up garbage and crumbs
- He has a court-ordered anklet
Suddenly it’ll hit you all at once – you need to get rid of this Prick.
2. Destroy some of his stuff, if possible.
Before your official departure, if the opportunity presents itself mess with at least one of his belongings. This could include peeing on his toothbrush, throwing his clothes out the window onto the dewy lawn (a personal fantasy of mine), stabbing his XBOX with a pair of scissors, or the like. Use your best judgment depending on his offenses.
3. Bid him farewell.
Realizing he doesn’t deserve much of an explanation, simply leave him a note that says “BYE”.
4. Cut. Him. Off.
There is no way continuing to talk to Prick will help your cause. Don’t hook up with him — or even see, call, or text him. In fact, delete his number. Part of this will also involve ridding your home of anything that reminds you of him. Feel free to get creative in disposing the goods. For instance, I recently sawed the limbs right off a gifted stuffed toad using a butter knife, and tossed its remains back into a pond, of sorts (a dirty puddle on my street).
5. Wallow in self-pity.
Self-pity is underrated. Cry it allllll out. Lie around in your plush pajama pants, eat binge on meal-sized snacks, watch rom-coms and feel really, truly bad for yourself.
Here are a few tactics that will help induce the tears:
- Tally how many of your Facebook friends are married or engaged. If any of your exes get a tally mark, cry a little extra.
- Listen to “All of Me,” and think about how much John Legend loves his wife and how no one will ever feel that way about you. Sit in front of the mirror and sing it out loud while watching yourself cry.
- Also, listen to “Someone Like You” by Adele. There’s a reason that YouTube video has 353,797,320 views. For being sad as shit.
- Imagine scenarios where Prick finds another girl he’s willing to change for, and they fall madly in love, get married and have the exact dress/venue/band/etc. you always dreamed of.
- Aggressively hit on your single guy friends, and when each of them refuses your plea for a date, cry more and more. Nothing will weaken you like hearing a resounding “no” from your buddy Dave with the missing toenail.
- Aggressively hit on the counter clerk at 7-11. He won’t want to go on a date either, given you’re hammered, crying and eating a handful of taquitos. So, cry again.
- Consider moving to another city far away where you’ll meet a hunky man with an accent who will swoon over you. Then realize this will never actually happen, and cry.
6. Talk about it – a lot.
Once all the tears are gone you’ll have a ton to say. Your girlfriends will say supportive things in return like, “You’re too great to be chasing anything but shots!” and “If he’s not into you, he MUST be gay.” Your guy friends will say things like, “You should just tell him you’re really into [inset explicit sex act here]. Guarantee you’ll win him over.” After a couple of weeks of your jabbering, they won’t be able to take it anymore. You need to reach this exact point – where your friends would rather be punched in the face than hear another word.
7. Take pen to paper.
I’m at my personal best when writing pro’s and con’s lists. The pro’s should be all about you, because damn it, you’re cool. Con’s are all him. Did he refuse to meet your parents because he’s a wimp? Did he always fart in his sleep, making it hard for you to breathe? Is he a slobbery kisser (GOO!)? Add everything that really grinds your gears. In moments of weakness, re-read the list.
8. Listen to Motown Radio on Pandora.
Or other music that makes you dance and sing. You’ve gone from mad, to sad, and back, and now you’re finally going to feel happy as could be. Stomp around and shake your butt. Do high kicks to “Gonna Get Over You” by Sara Bareilles. Put on a leather jacket and blast Kanye West’s “Gone,” because…see ya jackhole!
9. And last – but certainly not least — get hot.
Yes, you’re already hot, but now it’s time to get super hot. Your bod will need to drop the pounds you packed on during the earlier binge eating. Start with a juice cleanse, chubby. Then, the sky’s the limit. No really, like run every day an equal distance from the earth to the planes in the sky and back, then eat only lettuce.
Suddenly, every man is a prospect for you and your slim frame. Go to the bar and give out your number to as many guys as possible because you can get any man up in this club. If you happen to run into Prick in the “hot” phase, I highly encourage you to do a walk by, say a polite hello, and be merrily on your way. Hearts may be bulging out of his eyes, but resist him forever – you got this! Both your sanity and his new gaming console will be eternally grateful.