Yesterday at work I had to write an article about avoiding holiday weight gain. Am I qualified to write that sort of advice column? Not a snowball’s chance in hell. As I typed the falsities I felt sad for the people who actually take that idiotic guidance seriously.
“Eat what you’d like, but moderation is key!” Hah! There’s simply no way that’s going to happen. Starting now and all through this festive season I’ll be doing absolutely everything in excess, including – in a nod to my girl Liz Gilbert – eating, praying and loving.
As such, here is my real advice for handling the upcoming holidays. Take it or leave it.
Eat any and everything in sight at all holiday gatherings. This is the one time of the year you’re expected to be a fattie, so you don’t want to mess this up. Moderation, you ask? Nah, but thanks anyway. Go for the cannolis and please eat three or preferably more.
Also vital is drinking a lot. Champagne, cocktails, beers, shots, anything you’d like – go for it. Don’t want to be too hungover? Eat more. It’ll soak up the alcohol. No worries.
Pants are busting open and can’t make room for another slice of ham? Check yourself right here. Do you think Santa ever said, “Ho Ho Ho. How will I ever eat another cookie tonight?” Answer: No. Now loosen up your belt a notch or two and stop being a little bitch.
For those who are religiously sensitive, as in you can’t handle the sight of a Christmas tree painted on a diner window because it’s unfair to those who don’t celebrate Christmas, please skip this section. Ain’t nobody got time for arguing religion. We’re too busy downing appetizers and being jolly.
For those of us who believe in the power of prayer, now is when we should use it to our full advantage with prayers to the maximum. You can pray for anything you want and to anyone you want, really. I’ll give you an example to get the juices flowing.
I, personally, will ask God for the following:
- That my grandma will make us all wear matching plaid pajamas on Christmas Eve again, as to most thoroughly torture my brother and, therefore, make me simply the merriest girl ever
- That no one will arrive bearing a lovely gift for me when I hadn’t even vaguely considered getting one for them (or for an endless supply of junky candles to give away – whichever is easiest, Lord)
- That my aunt won’t comment on how much prettier my hair looks in the summer with beachy waves, as opposed to winter when it sort of reminds her of Tina Turner’s
- That my mom will stop putting up the ornament that contains a picture of me as a vastly overweight kindergarten student
- That I won’t look ghostly pale in all holiday pictures
- That my New Year’s Eve dress will fit me, even if I spend Dec. 26-31 gobbling down leftover cookies and eating Nutella out of the jar
I’ll also go big:
- For Michael Bublé to show up at my apartment to sing “Baby It’s Cold Outside”
- That my landlord will decide December’s rent is free-of-charge and also, because he’s so lovely, he’ll also take care of utilities too
- That I receive a lot of presents from Kris Kringle including human-sized stockings stuffed with cash and also just a small, little trip to Puerto Rico
- For world peace, a cure for cancer and a bunch of other kind and unselfish stuff
The sky’s really the limit. What’s the worst that can happen? Your prayers don’t get answered? Jesus never got mad at anyone who asked for too much (I don’t think. I didn’t pay too close of attention in religion classes as a child. I was more concerned with snacking on Twizzlers in the back of the room and wondering what life would be like as the Pink Ranger). What I think happened is his disciples probably asked for so much wine, and ya know what, I’m sure he gave it to them. Jesus is, after all, a holy and giving guy.
I feel it in my fingers; I feel it in my toes. There’s nothing more lovable than watching Love Actually with your love, hugs and kisses to show love, singing songs about love and being warm by the fire with some love.
Be as obnoxious as possible with this over the next several weeks. Take pictures of you and your significant other cooking a Thanksgiving feast, chopping down your own Christmas tree, or Hanukkah bush (that’s a thing, right?), kissing under the mistletoe and cozying up at an ugly sweater party where you’re each also wearing ugly flashing Rudolph noses. Strut your guy/gal to every freakin’ place imaginable and define PDA. Go see yourselves some fancy light shows, walk in the park through the snow, go ice skating and twirl around and around and then make snow angels. Bake cookies and look at each other and laugh and get flour on each other’s faces or whatever the Hallmark Channel would make you do if you were starring in one of their movies. It’s your one time to shine! Because sadly, to those around you, come January this behavior will turn from festive and endearing to flat out gross.
If you’re single and don’t feel like dealing with relatives who’ll ask why you’re still traveling through life solo, don’t hesitate to make up a fake boyfriend/girlfriend. I will be using the below, but feel free to tweak based on your own idea of the perfect person.
“Oh he’s just the most wonderful man, it’s a shame he couldn’t make it. He’s spending the day feeding homeless children and then making dinner for his elderly grandparents. Did I tell you he’s tall, dark handsome and reads the print edition of the New York Times every morning?”
A fib such as this might help you avoid a lot of pain and grief. And if you’re still feeling down and out, maybe one of your prayers will be answered and Bublé will be at the door momentarily to save the day. Amen!