The other day, someone asked me why I’m single. I don’t know if this was intended as a compliment or an insult, but naturally my first reaction was to assume the latter.
“I DON”T KNOW WHY I’M SINGLE!!!” I wanted to scream, throwing my fists wildly in the air. “It’s not my fault most of the men in this town are idiots! It’s not my fault all the good ones are taken. It’s not MY FAULT no one wants to date me, for Christ’s sake!”
I forced myself to suppress this meltdown, took a few deep breaths and assessed the question. I’ve imagined the past year of living in solitude must have been the fault of the cruel, cruel men of this world. But what if, per chance, the problem might actually be…me.
Truth be told, at this point I guess I’d make a pretty terrible girlfriend. To put it lightly, I’ve recently become kind of a brat. I like doing whatever I want, whenever I want and am rarely willing to compromise. I work crazy hours and when I do have free time, I don’t want to be bothered. Or touched. Or looked at. I enjoy paying for my own stuff and admittedly love never having to pay for someone else. I’m not great at many things, but I will say I’m awesome at staying out until 6AM on any given Saturday bar hopping or just plain raising hell with my friends (or even strangers, I don’t care) and at those times it feels fabulous not having anyone to answer to.
At a glance it seems I’m actually asking to be single. Although – really guys! – I am not.
I want to make this clear; I want a boyfriend just as badly as the next 26-year-old single girl in Manhattan. It’s possible though that my rationale for wanting one isn’t conducive to actually getting one. For instance, below please find a list of reasons I’m currently seeking a boyfriend:
1. To help fix stuff.
When I moved from New Jersey to NYC, I decided to cop an “I can do anything I set my mind to” attitude (like putting furniture together). This being my first run with such a feat, I failed quite miserably. My IKEA bed now squeaks so loudly it literally wakes me up in the middle of the night. I’d love to have someone help me fix that ol’ rickety thing.
Also, if said boyfriend knows how to properly install an AC unit that would be an additional bonus. I won’t even get started on my apartment’s spotty WiFi connection. Is that something boyfriends these days are good at repairing? I like to assume yes.
2. To get me invited to couples dinners.
In the time since I was last in a relationship, a strange phenomenon has begun. Couples dinners. What happens at these dinners that I’m never invited to? Is there buffalo dip? Do they play charades? Is there a couples’ karaoke showdown? It’s all a mystery to me and much like the Nancy Drew that I am, I want to crack this case.
3. To walk the dog.
Alright, to be honest, I don’t have a dog yet. But I surely do want one. And when I get the pup, my work schedule and its pee pee schedule are likely to clash. Also, I’m not really interested as much in cleaning up doggie poop as I am snuggling the hell outta little Fido and taking a ton of pictures of him to post online. On a PR salary I simply can’t afford to pay a dog walker. It seems to me a boyfriend would do just fine for this routine task.
4. To come to weddings with me.
Dear Lord, I do not want to go to another wedding stag. I just can’t even think or talk more about this particular point.
5. To give me a whole lot of attention a whole lot of the time
I won’t deny it. I love attention. I want a ton of text messages and a ton of calls (but definitely not voicemails, ick).
I want someone to invite me to all sorts of places and insist that I be there or else it wouldn’t be the same. Here comes the plot twist – I don’t want to actually do any of these activities. I don’t want to meet him for mini golf or to go see the latest action movie or to $1 shot night (actually, though…tempting). I just want the invite, and then I want to go home. Alone. To order sushi, Google puppies and watch Twilight.
Despite all the hoping and wishing and praying for the right guy to come along, maybe I just need to slightly reevaluate my mindset and focus on the things that truly matter. Like acting more comprising and giving, finding my soulmate based on interests and values, falling in love, having little Ericas and a humble home with a white picket fence. Let’s face it though, a girl’s got other needs that must be filled. Like help lifting heavy things and running errands and stuff.
So, whatever, the problem is me. But I’ll change for the right guy. Really, I will. And it’s my sincere hope that the wonderful man I do change for never reads this article. I don’t want him fleeing before he can install that AC. It’s freakin’ hot in here.