“Why am I still single?”, a question that is asked one too many times in my friend group. There’s a good lot of us that have been single for quite a while now, and almost every day we are triggered back into this spiral staircase of loaded questions and empty answers. I had never really thought about it- I mean really thought about it- until I was sitting at home the other day and an old flame from middle school messaged me on Facebook. I then launched into a cycle of imagining being with him, holding hands, going back and seeing his family, and finally being able to be married. But I thought about the fact that I don’t really know him, and that his family kinda freaks me out, and that I don’t know if I’d want to marry him…and then I stopped myself. What was I thinking? I mean I only dated this kid for 4 weeks in middle school and I’m already planning our wedding? Who does that? That’s when I realized it: I’m not single because boys don’t want me. I’m single because I approach life with a dangerous mix of thinking too much while simultaneously not giving enough of a crap.
I have compiled a list of five major things about me that men, or anyone really, would not find appealing, and are a direct result of me thinking too much while not giving enough of a crap:
1. I am a slob.
I mean it. I am a real junkie, in the sense that I don’t ever clean up anything, or throw away anything. I am a hoarder, but not the kind that needs to keep everything, just the kind that doesn’t want to clean any of it up. I have things stuffed into drawers and closets that I haven’t seen in over a year and a half. I don’t clean unless someone is coming over, which isn’t often, and it’s usually someone I’m not comfortable with knowing that I don’t clean or organize. This is not because I’m super busy with work or have a child to take care of, this is just because I am simply too lazy to do it. Which leads me into my next bullet point…
2. I am lazy.
Other than schoolwork, I really don’t do anything on the weekends or days off other than see my girlfriends occasionally. All I want to do is eat chocolate and finish Season 1 of Orange is the New Black. I’m almost close to a shut in. (Also, see above)
3. I am not good at relationships.
Not boyfriend and girlfriend, but friendships. I have ended a lot of friendships purely on the basis that I don’t want to get up in the morning and go have brunch with them. I am a people person on the days when I feel like seeing people, which isn’t most. I have life long friendships that have probably only lasted as long as they have because of the history aspect. Now, don’t get me wrong, I care about people and their feelings, I’m not outwardly rude. I’m a great friend when it comes to listening and not judging, or coming and bringing someone soup when they’re sick. I’m just flaky and disinterested in leaving my apartment most of the time.
4. I still, after 4 years, can’t stop thinking about my ex.
I have a complex, and it sucks. I’m alone most of the time, and we don’t talk anymore, so I have this incessant dire need to know about his life. I find myself thinking about him in the most random places at the most random times in my day. Also, I’m getting pretty successful in my career, and I want to share that with him. Why? Beats me. But it’s pretty damn pathetic.
5. I think too much.
I put too much into a relationship too early. If you don’t text me within a day of me texting you, I end it. I’m too embarrassed. I think you don’t like me and I run and hide. If I see you talking to another girl, I don’t try to go up to you because I don’t want to be rejected. I’m constantly overanalyzing and judging every step you make and attributing it to something I’ve done or said. This is not a good way to go handle a first date.
Now, I realize this post has become very self-deprecating, but believe me, I could list a bunch of things that I like about myself. It’s not about whether I like myself or not. Actually, no, it is. Because I like myself enough to recognize these things and be willing to work on them. Most girls just lie to themselves and say that they’re single because “It’s not the right time” or “Guys are so gross in the city” or “I just need some me time”. I am ready and willing to own up to my flaws. If there were a guy out there who wanted me, and was actively pursuing me, I would be trying. But there isn’t. And that’s my fault. I don’t go out and try to meet guys, I’m still in the high school mentality that you see a person every day and if they like you they’ll come up to you and ask to borrow a pencil.
In my circle of friends, the question, “Why am I still single?”, is usually followed by, “What’s wrong with me?”, and as girlfriends we often try to say that there’s nothing wrong with each other. But maybe there is something wrong with us, and something very beneficial of being able to recognize that and be honest with each other. Maybe, this time, it’s not the men. Yeah, sure, men can be pigs, or immature, or misogynists, or not ready to commit. But women can also be rude, and unwilling to get to know someone past looks, and also not ready to commit. Or we could be a slob, and lazy, and not willing to leave our apartments to meet these men. So, maybe instead of letting everyone tell us that there’s nothing wrong with us and go through life thinking we’ve been dealt a shit hand when it comes to relationships, we should reflect, and thoroughly examine the reason behind our “singleness”. I don’t know where this road will take me relationship wise, but at least I’m willing to work on myself. Until then, I will never ask the question, “Why am I still single?”, because I’ve already given myself the answer.