1. When you think it’s That Time of the Month, automatically add one week at the beginning, and one week at the end, and THAT is That Time of the Month. No, no. It’s not just one week, gentlemen. Side effects of That Time of the Month leak into almost 3 weeks out of the month. Better get used to it.
2. We don’t want to have sex. Because that’s disgusting. And if you do have sex during this time, you’re disgusting. I’m sorry, ladies. There has got to be a line to your freakishness. It just has to stop somewhere.
3. When a woman is pissed at you, NEVER, and I repeat, NEVER ask her, “Is it that time of the month for you!?” I’m not even going to get into why you shouldn’t do this. Just fucking don’t do it.
4. Things that have probably never ached on a woman before will ache during That Time of the Month. Literally, the possibilities are endless. Cramps and headaches, obvi. But the list goes on: her back might hurt, or she might just feel extremely tired, she might get the chills or feel feverish. If it’s attached to her body, the chances of it aching at one point or another are good.
5. A woman could eat nothing but lettuce for the entire month, but she will still feel bloated as hell during That Time of the Month, and there’s nothing you can do or say to make that go away. Just give her chocolate and ice cream, and while we’re at it, flowers, and go about your business.
6. I bet you never knew we could twist our bodies into pretzels just to give ourselves relief. There’s a reason we are curled up in the fetal position in the middle of the night, and it’s because our damn uterus is bleeding out, causing horrible crampage, and we apparently can’t relax unless we look like we are deformed.
7. I’m sorry if you think there’s nothing hot about a heating pad in or around our bed, but can you warm my pelvic area with your love? No. You can’t. So this heating pad will stay right here. Thanks.
8. Crying can happen at absolutely any time. A Facebook status, seeing a baby, a song, a movie, making breakfast, missing a call, ANY. TIME. If you think you’re being funny, you’re probably on the verge of making a woman cry.
9. If a woman is single, and you’re, I don’t know, her best man friend or something, she’s probably cursing her ex. Then missing her ex. Then cursing her ex. Then crying over her ex… Your job is this: Remind her it’s her ex for a reason, and buy her alcohol. (read: Then hide her phone).
10. The first day of That Time of the Month is the worst day. If you were smart, you’d note this date for future reference, and just avoid women at all costs during this time. You’ve been warned.