It has been one month since we said goodbye at Tegel airport. You leaving made the Berlin sky cry even harder than me. It was a summer day but it suddenly felt like winter. It was cold, and lonely. This is exactly how it felt you leaving me behind. It felt like I needed more. More warmth, more sun. More you. But you went back to France and I was stuck in the city that had seen us falling in love and losing each other because of the wrong timing. I was left there without the chance to move on. I was just stuck in the life we were building together right before you left.
It has been one month and we have barely talked. We have barely talked and I have barely managed to keep it together.
I was damaged. I was broken and there seemed there was nothing I could have done to make it feel better. My life in Berlin has not been the same since you departed. Alexanderplatz felt like any other main square in a big city and not like the place we used to walk around on our lazy nights. I moved into a new flat because I could not stand anymore living in the one we used to share. Clubbing is no longer fun, like any other activity. We had so much fun together that I am so afraid I will never be able to feel the chill again.
You were the best friend. You were the best boyfriend. You were the best. You were my best when I was at my worst.
Last night we were on the phone, miles away from one another but mostly miles away from what we once were. You live now in some place in the French coast, spending your days sailing and surfing, and I am still in Berlin, going from bar to bar in Kreuzberg and being too restless. I am trying to pick up the pieces even if it does not seem to ever work out.
You called me unexpectedly. I was out with some friends and some other guys who hit on us along the way. The more I tried to convince myself I didn’t care anymore, the more I hoped you would come back sometime soon. And as soon as I saw you name popping up to my phone screen, I left and answered. Your voice felt like home and I finally felt the warmth I needed. I did not feel lonely anymore.
“My life is not the same since I left Berlin. My life is not the same without you.”
My life is not the same and I wish I could tell you everything about it. I do not sleep, I do not eat and I do not live as I used to do before. It is hard to keep striving when you lose motivation. When you lose your reason. Just like I lost you.