“I don’t know what to do. It’s not now. It’s not yet.”
I can’t count number of times I heard those words come out of his mouth and across my cell phone screen. Almost seven years of collected screenshots and messages from a man who couldn’t take control of his own life.
My friends, family, coworkers – so many people telling me how I deserved more, that I needed to recognize my worth. Yet I knew my worth all along. Instead, it was when I took ownership of my worth that things began to turn around.
Be it a cliche, but so many country songs say it right: I Miss Me More, I’m Not The Waiting Kind of Girl, Babe, Broken Wing, Unlove You, and so many more. When we need to heal, we hear the lyrics of songs so much clearer. Sometimes, it is those lyrics that speak to our soul and release whatever is causing us pain.
So, this time, I’m Sorry, Not Sorry and I have to Lose You To Love Me.
To my somewhat wasted years
I’ve wasted prime years on something that was borderline nothing. It was glimpses of what could be, false promises. The words “I love you” clouded my judgment, and I convinced myself that the greatest of loves overcome challenges, as it does in fairytales.
Alright, some challenges, I suppose, but seven years was a bit much. Disney? You made me hope a little too hard that the beast would turn into a prince.
Some days I convinced myself that being on a roller coaster was so much fun; however, roller coasters are made for amusement parks not our daily lives. That constant up and down, popping in and out, causes so much unnecessary stress in our lives.
That’s a wrap
Do you want to know what this situation gave me? A lot of headaches, sleepless nights, pounds gained, and therapy hours paid for.
Do you want to know what ditching the drama has done to my life? Sleeping through the night, clarity on what I want in life, pounds lost, time gained, stress depleted, and finally doing things for me again (without the constant judgment and peanut gallery input).
Do you want to know who should have the most influence on your life? You. No one should try to dictate your life. Not a single person on the planet knows you better than you.
This is why I am reinstating my worth. I am taking ownership of the person I am and have become because I’m pretty darn proud of her.
Am I perfect? Oh hell no, but aren’t we always a work in progress? I am a work in progress that I am proud of.
Sadly, I had just struggled to see it. Blinded by love. Yet, in the realization that love is not just words, it is actions, I discovered a new chapter of my life.
To my friends, family, and coworkers
Thank you to everyone who has been patient, waiting for this realization to occur. Thank you for your shoulders, tissues, company on many road trips, karaoke nights, bottles of wine, advice (that I’m sorry I ignored), laughs when they were needed most, long and shortlists of pros and cons, and hours upon hours of holding your tongue while I processed this.
In all of your awesomeness, I have realized I’m pretty awesome too. Now, I have begun a new chapter — awesome job, brand new apartment. I am free, curious, and ready to be more adventurous.
To the seven years – I shall not consider you completely wasted, as I discovered so much about myself (and you). We shared many adventures, laughs, dances, hugs, life lessons, kitchen parties, meals, and puppy cuddles, but some things are just not meant to be.
It’s now time to find someone who matches their actions to their words, treats me like the princess you said I always deserved to be, and puts me first.
May you find your strength to be your own person, realize what you could achieve if you put your own foot in front of the other, and know that you will always have a place in my hard drive — I mean, heart, but seriously, the amount of pictures and screenshots of seven years is just ridiculous.
Over and out. May my words inspire you to find your worth.