1. For Calling Your Ex– “Martha”- 1973
In this song, Tom calls his ex lover … 40 years after they broke up. He finds out that Martha has been married and has kids now. (gross) He admits that he was a douche and professes his love…. and basically confesses she is still fap material. It’s a great song.
2. For the (strip) Club – “Pasties and a G String” – 1976
Tom offers to have his rent raised if this stripper lady will take off all her clothes. Is she his landlord who is also a stripper with a heart of gold?… I think so. Tom also gets as hard as “Chinese Algebra” when the stripper/landlord crawls on her belly and “shakes like jelly”. I’m not sure if Chinese Algebra is harder than regular algebra, but either way, maths is terrible.
3. For the Holidays – “Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis” – 1978
Who doesn’t love Christmas Cards? This particular Christmas card comes to a john named Charlie from a long lost hooker friend. She waxes nostalgic about doing drugs back in the day and lets Charlie know what she has been up to. Which consists of meeting a nice man who plays a trombone and takes her out dancing on Saturday nights. There’s a twist at the end of this song and I don’t do spoilers on things pre 1980.
4. For Blaming Someone or Something Else for Your Crippling Addiction – “The Piano Has Been Drinking” – 1977
In this romantic song, Tom Waits blames his piano for being intoxicated. This is typical addict behavior. I usually blame my iPhone for my donut problem. This song will give you some great pointers on avoidance.
5. For Selling your Shit on Craigslist “Step Right Up” – 1976
This song will help you masterfully get rid of all your shit on Craigslist. Tom Waits can basically sell ice to Eskimos. In this song, his magic product: Removes embarrassing stains from contour sheets (we know what that means… winky face), that’s right and it entertains visiting relatives (the worst), it turns a sandwich into a banquet (Is it a sandwich banquet? I’m there!) Tired of being the life of the party? (Yes.) Change your shorts, change your life, change into a nine-year-old Hindu boy, get rid of your wife (A sex AND race change? Sure! Sign me up!)
6. For When You Get Shot, But Want to Look Cool – “Romeo is Bleeding” – 1978
Romeo: has a cigarette, leans against a car, laughs, and sings along with the radio, all while having a grievous chest wound from getting shot. Instead of seeking medical help, Romeo, decides to play it cool and go see a movie. God, I hope he didn’t waste his time with Transformers: Age of Extinction.
Runner’s up: For When You Need to Tell Someone Their House is on Fire – Jockey Full of Burbon – 1985