8 Things I’d Rather Do Than Suffer Menstrual Cramps

Ed Bierman / Georgia O'Keeffe
Ed Bierman

Let’s just be honest here, as a lady, every 28 days-ish I suffer some pretty horrible PMS. I’m reduced to using the heat emanating from my laptop to soothe my cramps, just like my ancestors would have done. While I usually love any chance to lie in bed and gorge on Netflix, the pain is so unbearable that I become delirious, imagining horrible scenarios that I would rather face than my own biology. Here are just a few of them.

Go to the DMV

I would rather wait five hours in line at the DMV next to a guy hacking his guts up, than have cramps. The DMV causes no immediate pain, and I am able to play Temple Run 2 to my heart’s content without anything hindering my focus.

Get a paper cut

While the stinging pain from a paper cut certainly causes great agony, it is nothing compared to the plight of the menstrual cramp. A paper cut has never left me bedridden or caused me to miss a night of drunken darts yet!

Clean my bathroom

My dark-haired roommate likes to shave his head over our sink, in our tub, and over our toilet weekly. 92 percent of the hair ends up on the floor, in those pesky crevices between the tiles. While lying in the fetal position last month, I resolved that I would rather clean that bathroom with a baby’s extra-soft toothbrush for the rest of our roommateship.

Lick an Apple store display iPad

If you’ve been to an Apple retail store on a Saturday afternoon, or ever, you’ve seen their display iPads, covered in the finger gunk of one thousand previous customers. That’s right, I would lick one of those iPads. From home button to power button.

Watch The Neighbors

Have you seen this ABC monstrosity?

Change a baby’s diaper

I’ve never actually done this before, but how bad could it be? I mean, I know just the sight of babies on my Facebook Timeline makes me uncontrollably cringe, but if these bitches on 16 and Pregnant can do it, surely I could pull it off.

(NOTE: This only applies to one changing. At this point in my life I’d much rather have blinding cramps than be responsible for the life and shit another human being.)

Go to the post office

The judgmental stares of post office employees burn as I struggle to build a flat rate box. Every visit I face the awful feeling of incompetence as the guy at the counter insists on repackaging my items. Then rubs he it in by charging me four dollars for masking tape. Still, I’d rather put up with this madness every Christmas for the rest of my life.

Be Lady Edith

Yes, you read that right. Downton Abbey’s Lady Edith Crawley barely ekes out an existence in the shadow of her sisters. Yet, if Lady Edith exists sans menstrual cramps, well I wouldn’t mind being the running joke of the classiest show on television either. TC mark

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