Dating in college is equivalent to shopping for the perfect dress for a very specific event. When you’re searching for what you can visualize perfectly in your head, the sizes always seem to be too big or too small, the store tends to only have last season’s looks or you just can’t seem to find what it is you are looking for. You eventually settle with one that isn’t what you initially wanted but will suffice. But then, the second you just happen to be in a hurry to pick up a new tube of Mascara from the Estee Lauder counter with your search being long gone and just hours before the event, there it is– perfect in shape, color, and size, staring straight at you waiting for you to claim it to be yours. However, you know the timing isn’t right. You really shouldn’t spend the extra cash and you know that the other dress you bought before you saw this one is pretty great too even if there was a stain on it which made it 50% off.
You decide not to buy the dress but that won’t stop you from daydreaming about how fabulous it hugged your curves. Maybe, just maybe, when you happen to be shopping on a rainy day months down the road there the dress will be, waiting for you on the sale rack just like you left it. Waiting for you two to paint the town red, get you a new record for Instagram likes by posting a super cute picture of you in it, and remind you how sometimes you just have to cross your fingers, let fate take its course and hope other bitches with the same taste as you don’t steal the man, I mean the dress of your dreams. Until then, I suppose it’s only fair to enjoy the dresses and men that aren’t as great of a fit for you but make for a good laugh when showing your future kids what you used to wear and who you used to date in college…
1. The Party Animal
He’s the one that all your friends love because let’s be honest, your deepest fear while being with this guy is that he loves them all too [much]. He’s the one that you know can turn a rainy day into the most thrilling day of the year and will never fail to provide you with excellent reasons as to why it is a good idea to drink at 2pm on a Tuesday afternoon by the pool instead of go to class. He’ll be the one to know how to forge a doctors note too. Your freshman year self will be smitten by this guy because “feelings” are a waste of fresh air when everyone knows your mouth should constantly be preoccupied with shots of tequila or a good ole fashion sloppy, drunken PDA make-out sesh.
He’s the one that introduces you to your wild side that you become pretty closely acquainted with in college. For some reason you love the fact that he essentially brings out the irresponsible part of you. You love that he thinks it’s funny that you failed your College Algebra test because the night before the two of you drank 5 pitchers of beer. You love this probably because he’s the first guy and maybe even person that doesn’t pressure you to be your best, but rather your worst. Although it’s ridiculously unhealthy, you love it. The party animal will never last though. He’ll probably blackout in the bushes somewhere and you’ll convince yourself that he was with another girl. This will probably happen a lot and you will start to drive yourself crazy wondering where he is until you notice that he probably does black out often and with other girls. He’s the guy you will most likely eventually run into making out with a girl way less attractive than you with a butterfly tattoo on her lower back. For some reason you’re devastated but he’s the guy that won’t ever understand why– probably because he was drunk the whole damn time to even notice that you started to care about him. You recover from this guy with an antioxidant fruit smoothy to cleanse your body and perfect attendance to class the next semester to cleanse your soul.
2. The Academic
He’s the guy you find yourself lying next to naked on his sheet-less bed, wrapped in pashmina blankets, smoking a joint, with The Rolling Stones playing lightly in the background. He’s the one who convinces you that you should take Ancient German Mythology or better yet, Introduction to Philosophy: Everything You Should Know About Descartes. Don’t confuse this guy with the nerdy kid who gets more aroused at the site of an ‘A’ on his chem test than Mila Kunis wake boarding topless. He’s more of the arrogant yet sexy-cool guy that you find everything he says to be gold. He’s the one who gets repulsed at the idea of nightclubs and convinces you to spend your Friday nights with him at an Irish Pub drinking whisky on the rocks while discussing what it is to be moral. He’s the one that will at first find your fun, flirty and young side to be refreshing and sexy but will eventually become annoyed with your desire for him to take you out dancing on the weekends.
He doesn’t understand why he should show you affection because some philosopher out there made a “brilliant” argument as to why being nice to girlfriends is actually harmful to mens’ psyches and that they should stop. He’s the one who convinces you why he’s right and why that is okay and you’ll believe his perposterous theories. He’s the one who convinces you to stop wearing shoes and that you should start listening to more Bob Dylan. In fact, he’s good at convincing you do anything. That is the case until he decides he needs to focus more on “thinking” and how to figure out the meaning of life and less on a relationship. You seek his attention by posting profound Facebook statues by Plato and Socrates coincidentally when he’s online. You eventually get tired of the charade and find yourself recovering from this fling by buying a new pair of fabulous, overpriced shoes and christening them at your favorite nightclub until 4 am with the last thing on your mind being, “is it ‘immoral’ to make-out with two guys in one night?”
3. The Sexy Frat Star
He’s my favorite because no matter how much you hate him for being a typical douche like any other frat star, at least he was hot. He’s the one that is irresistibly sexy down to the day that you drop the Hate -Bomb on him and swear to yourself and your gal pals that you will never speak to him again. He’s the one you have nothing in common with but is really good at making you think otherwise. He knows you both will have nothing in common other than the fact that you both agree that he’s ridiculously good looking so he will find the most genius ways to convince you otherwise. He’s the player. Don’t be fooled by the fact that he must be an idiot because he’s so good looking, because sadly, he’s not. He’s the guy that knows exactly, ex-act-ly, what to say to get you where he wants you. You might think that it’s the way he opens up to you about his family history and his past or the way he’s brutally honest with you about his feelings that makes you think he’s “the one” but don’t fool yourself, it’s his million dollar smile and great ass.
He’s the guy that comes on too strong at first but you convince yourself it’s because he knows you’re “different.” Let’s be real here, you and he both know that the only thing “different” about you is your last name (unless you were cursed with the last name Smith or Jones. In that case, you’re SOL). He’s the guy that eventually got bored with you and you start to assume it was because you weren’t hot enough for him. You try to recover from this guy by going on an all water diet and putting a shock collar on you and the doors of Gold’s Gym but eventually you miss that cheeseburger on the dollar menu from Wendy’s. Eventually you realize you don’t even remember his voice because the only memory that stuck was the way he bit his lip when he was talking about…..what was it again?
4. The Not-So-Sexy (vanilla) Frat-Star
He’s the most vanilla of the guys you date because you can’t really pinpoint what it is exactly that you like about him. He’s vanilla because he’s not a hot fudge sunday and sexy like the “sexy frat-star” but he isn’t hideous either. He’s the last ice cream cup in the freezer that once also contained other flavors like strawberry and chocolate. You’d prefer something else, but you suppose vanilla will do the trick to satisfy your sweet tooth. While he isn’t sexy, there is something about this guy that is extremely attractive to you and that my friends is his confidence. Who can blame him though? All his friends are hot, his friends are always around hot girls, so who’s to say that he shouldn’t think he’s hot? Girls always experience this in college– hot guys in great fraternities who think that they can score hot girls. Well, I hate to break it to you ladies but it’s not that this kind of guy just “thinks” he can score the hot girls, he very much can.
He’s the guy that you think is different. You think that because he wasn’t blessed with a perfect jaw line and abs of steel that he must be a least a little insecure like the rest of us dating folks and make up for it with a killer personality. But nope, he’s not that kind of guy and the personality doesn’t exist either. You’ll try to convince yourself otherwise but it’s probably to justify the fact that you let ugly guy of the group play you like a fiddle as if he were Channing fucking Tatum. He will eventually start to lose interest in you, not because you weren’t “good enough” but because this is the guy that is constantly looking for his next swoop. After all, the vanilla guy always has to have someone to fuel his confidence. You really think he’s confident because he’s the least good looking guy out of his posse of shit heads and his only hobby is smoking pot and playing video games? No way jose. Girls are his confidence and he needs them just like you need that extra shot of espresso at 3 am when pulling an all nighter. The good news is that this guy will actually teach you something. He’ll teach you that even when you’re feeling like a beached whale on the second day of your period, there is still some reason out there to be confident. Forget the diet and the gym, you recover from this guy with a stiff cosmopolitan and a good laugh. After all, you can’t really miss something you never really knew.
5. The Nice Guy
*sighs*….the nice guy. The guy that your mother loves and all your friends like because he’ll let you and your friends throw parties at his house just to make you happy. The nice guy is what you could consider to be the worst. He’s not the worst because he will wash your hair when you break your collarbone or because he opens doors for you or because he constantly calls you the most beautiful girl in the room; he’s the worst because no matter how great he sounds on paper, he’ll never be the one that can get the job done.
He’s the one that secretly has a great body and will surprise you by saying something profound at the most unexpected moments that seem to sweep you off your feet. He thinks of you often by posting cliche things to your facebook wall about how much he adores you (and let’s not forget that he’s the one who will post an ista of you two at happy hour on Fridays with the heart-eyed emoji and a good ole “happy” hashtag). He never fails to buy your drinks or give you a back massage after a long day. He’s the guy that’s a perfect listener and thinks it’s adorable when you spill food on your shirt, and drool and snore when you sleep. He’s the guy that you can’t argue with or have intellectual debates with- not because he isn’t smart or challenging but because he never wants to disagree with you. He’s the guy that will always think everything you say is flawless even if he secretly disagrees. He’s unfortunately the guy you will often dismiss and will never forgive yourself for doing so. He’s the guy that you know was simply infatuated with you like you were with Devin Springer in the 3rd grade (guilty) for no apparent reason other than the fact that he wore the coolest skateboarding shoes ever, I mean the fact that he loves your hair and jokes. Essentially, you know his desire for you is a puppy love and as flattering as it is, he’s not the one that gives you butterflies in your stomach or likes you for more than your exterior. He’s the guy that you wish you felt the same about but know you never will because no matter how perfect he was to you, he will never be perfect for you.
6. The One-Night-Stand
Ah. The one-night-stand. He’s the guy you just can’t seem to get enough of. He’s the guy that you think of in the middle of the night after one too many cocktails when your feet are starting to hurt and you need a ride home. He’s the guy that you don’t feel pressured to open up to or fear that he will judge you for having a creepy obsession with whales (guilty again). He’s the guy that you aren’t ashamed to call five times in a row because you know if he judges you, what do you have to lose? In fact, you will never be ashamed to do anything around the one night stand because you simply don’t care about him. You find yourself opening up to him about anything but you don’t seem to ever ask him about his life (Oh wait, Kevin has a last name? That’s nice. Is he free at 1:30 am on Friday nights?).
He’s the one that you text when you know that you need something to preoccupy your thoughts when you find yourself convincing yourself it’s a good idea to text your ex. We often hate the one-night-stand because he isn’t who we want to be with at the end of a Friday night but end up with anyway simply out of boredom. He’s the one that you get a text from and wish it was someone else’s name popping up on your phone. He’s the one that sometimes starts to “fall” for you which will just piss you off because once again, the guy who you don’t want to be with wants to be with you while your life long crush is out there “wanting” only Chipotle and for his fantasy baseball league to win a few games. He’s this guy because he’s the one you don’t try to impress or reconsider your morals and standards for. You don’t have the slightest desire to try a threesome and hate to smoke weed? Well, you will definitely never find yourself smoking a joint with this guy just to please him because you know that it doesn’t matter what he thinks, you’re sticking to you. Sadly for the one night stand, he will always be simply be our distraction from the other guys we aren’t supposed to date anymore either. He’s the guy that will assume you will start to fall in love with him like all the other girls he was casually seeing at 2 am on the weekends who claimed “I’m not looking for commitment” but ended up stalking the poor schmuck. He’s the one who will start to blow up your phone when he realizes, “oh wait, I’m exactly what you said I was to you, nothing;” and for some strange, twisted, exhausting reason, it’s in those moments that the one night stand, and all college boys, men, douche bags, nice guys, sexy guys in general seem to want you even more.