“‘I am having trouble finding a doctor to sign off on my children’s immunization record without actually giving them the vaccines.’
Well, maybe not actually dumb, but shocking.”
“One time a girl in my religious studies class questioned how the Nile River could flow north.
…because that’d be up!”
“The moon is closer to us than Florida because I can see the moon but not Florida.”
Her: “The government has never created a single job!”
Later on, me: “How’s your new job going?”
Her: “Oh it’s great, we just got a real big government contract so that is keeping us busy.”
“‘I’m sick of the police pulling me over for not wearing a seat belt.’
My brother, ladies and gentlemen!”
Dumb Friend: “Yeah, so I have herpes, but it’s okay. They’re the good herpes.”
Me: “You mean the coldsore herpes, right?”
Dumb Friend: “No, genital. But they’re the good genital herpes.”
HOW ARE THERE GOOD GENITAL HERPES!?!?!?!?
“‘Does this escalator go up or down?’ While she was standing at the top of it.
Normally speaking, that would be bad enough. But it was late at night, and the mall was closed, and the escalator was off. Lady, that escalator is now stairs.”