Mid cowgirl she stopped, looked me in the eyes, whispered “faggot”, and then proceeded to fuck my brains out. Still baffles me to this day.
2. Were You A Carpenter?
I was giving a guy a handy (which I can admit I’ve never been really good at) in the middle of it, he leans in and whispers in my ear “Were you a carpenter in your past life?”
I was hoping he was making some “Wood/Boner” joke so I asked him “Why?” to which he responded “Your hands are just really rough.”
Fucked me up for life.
3. There’s No Coming Back
I heard my friend and his gf going at it. There was suddenly a pause and then she grunted really loud and that’s when I heard my friend yell, “take it like a man!” Immediately following her hysterically laughing as he attempted to back track.
4. A Proposal
“If you make me come again I’m gonna marry you so hard.”
This was three weeks into the relationship. She realized what she said and was immediately embarrassed, but we’re able to laugh about it now.
5. The Car Lover
“You feel like an underwater Cadillac.” … oh, thanks?
6. So Matter Of Fact
“Sorry about all the farting, I’ve been doing anal a lot lately. You can put it in there if you want?”
7. True Courage
During a choking session: “You’re so brave… Brave little toaster…”
8. A Thankful Man
Mid hump- “Fuck, you made a good supper tonight!!”. Continues fucking me even harder.
9. Surprise Incest Roleplaying
“You like raping me daddy? You like sneaking into my room and touching me and my sister’s little girl panties? Yea! Rape me daddy!”
We hadn’t agreed on this roleplay/therapy session beforehand.
10. Wreck It Ralph
I had just watched Wreckit Ralph with my partner at the time, and later in the evening we’d been getting intimate, and JUST as she climbed on top of me she looked me in the eye and said “I’m gonna wreck it.”
11. Not Just Dirty, Filthy
Not what someone said to me, but I once said, “Dirty… cock.”
I meant to say something along the lines of, “I’m such a dirty little girl. Your cock is so big!” But apparently I am incapable of speaking when other things are going on.
12. The Devil’s Onion Ring
Ex gf of mine knew I wanted to try anal with her, when she finally got the courage to give it a try she said ” I know you want to stick it in the devil’s onion ring.” I recoiled in horror for a second then proceeded with the anal.
13. Calling It A Night
In the middle of drunk sex, a friend of mine burst into the room and asked “What’s that fuckin’ SMELL?” Needless to say, I finally noticed the stench and my wiener decided to call it a night.
That friend is my now my wife.
14. Just A Teenage Boy At Heart
Boyfriend and I were in missionary and as he was playing with my breasts (affectionately named Mary-Kate and Ashley), he squishes them together, leans back and says “HA! It looks like a butt.” He’s 26.
15. Daddy’s Everywhere
“SHH! Be quiet, you’re going to wake up my parents down the hallway.”
We were at my house… aaaand I don’t live with my parents.
16. Fucking And Punching
“Punch me, punch my fucking lights out”
Granted we were having really rough sex, but come on. I’m not going to “punch your fucking lights out.” When I refused she called me a pussy, got dressed and left. I didn’t know whether to feel bad about myself or good about myself.
17. Chicken Diener
“Wiener” with every thrust. It was funny but a huge turn off.
18. Wait, What, Where?
Don’t look at the camera.
19. Going Deep
“Just think, one day none of this will matter.” What my boyfriend said while I was on top.
20. Breadsticks And Donuts
We were getting hot and heavy and she was giving some dirty talk when suddenly out of nowhere she just screamed “PUT YOUR BREADSTICK IN MY DONUT.”
21. Force Of Habit?
“Fuck me with your big black cock” I’m white…
22. Not Cool
“Your dick is the same size as my Dads”. I don’t think she meant it how it sounds, but it still means she was well aware of what her Dad was packing. Weird girl. Great fuck. Didn’t hit it twice.
23. No Coming Back
While I was about to go down… “Sorry my dick might smell.”.
That was the end of it. Sorry I am no longer turned on. Goodbye..
24. Very, Very Specific
Stick your toe in my ass.
25. The Ultimate Ego Stroke
After smoking weed she says to me… “I feel like I’m getting fucked by a giant.”
26. So Many Ways To Take This
“I’m going to fucking murder you.” Ladies and gentlemen, my girlfriend.
I had set up a nice romantic evening for my wife. Made a nice dinner and filled up a bubble bath for her. After massaging her and pampering her in the tub, my hands started working their magic. After about 5 minutes or so she was very turned on moaning and what not. She looks over at me and says “neat”. I’m just like WTF???
I kind of pause and she kind of realizes what she said and we both are like what was that? She has no clue what she meant by it just that my hands drive her nuts some times.
We had a good laugh about it and got back to sexy time. I’ll occasionally say neat to her when we are getting frisky and we will both have a quick laugh and try and reenact what happened after.
28. Trying To Be Sexy
Wife trying to wake me up with morning sex, uses her sexy voice (which is totally a cheesy voice meant to imitate the cheesy sexy talk from porn), “Somebody’s been sleeping!”
I woke the fuck up from laughter. I love my wife; she definitely says funny things seriously not realizing how funny they are.
29. “How’s That Chapstick?”
I was at a party with this girl, and we go find a bed. We are just lying there, and then she gets on top of me and starts grinding on me. So I get a hard-on and she’s like, “ooooh what’s that?” I say “chapstick” and we have a laugh about it. Then while we are having sex she was moaning, and I just let it slip “how’s that chapstick?”
Such a cringe moment.
30. Sex By Nabisco
Just finishing anal – as he’s getting his last three thrusts in, he slaps my ass and yells “Magic Fudge Pot”. All I could think of were the Keebler Elves.
31. She Must Have Been Australian
Had a woman look back at me and say “Fuck me like a sheep”. I didn’t know how. Still finished though.
32. Samurai Sexy Times
Not something said to me, but by me. Let me provide some back story.
At the time I was a waitress at a bar. I had liked this guy but was iffy about dating because having worked in bars for three years, guys can’t handle it. I was talking with one of my coworkers about it before shift that day.
She decided to put our names in one of those love calculator apps. The results were that him and I were a perfect match, and I was a samurai in the bedroom. (What ever that means)
Fast forward to after shift, we’d been having a few drinks and hanging out. I was pretty buzzed. We decided to hook up and the whole time he kept commenting how amazing I felt, you know the usual during sex talk. After he finished he says “that was mind blowing”, so I respond with “I’m a samurai”. He just asked “what?”. Between the embarrassment, the alcohol, and my giggling I don’t think I ever properly explained myself.
33. Super Creepy
34. Not Weird, Hot
“Fuck me like you paid for it.”
35. Dad Jokes In Bed
Ex-girlfriend wasn’t the most adventurous in the bedroom so I would try little to things to get her to break out of her shell.
One night she’s on top, she bends over and whispers, “Want me to talk dirty?” So i think ‘Finally shes starting to open up’
She proceeds to whisper “A pig in mud” into my ear.
36. The Turtle Club
Guy was cumming on my chest and blurted out “i like turtles” afterwards he congratulated me for being the newest member of the turtle club.
37. Poor Mr. Krabs
“Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?”
No, I’m not joking.
38. The Answer Was “Yes”
“Do you think you could fit your whole hand in?”
39. No, Girl, No
In response to my saying “You’re so tight” – “Yeah! I’m tight like a baby!”
40. A Challenge
“Enter if you dare!”
Mid sex, he screams, “Mortal Kombat!!!”
His buddy from the other room then screams, “Finish her!!”
42. Still Too Soon
“HODOR!” during orgasm.
“Are you gonna cum, grandpa?” -a girl two years younger than me, ten minutes into sex.
44. “How Does It Feel?”
I (female) was told by one guy in the middle of it that I was really tight. Well, I love dirty talk and I asked him how good it felt. His response: “It’s like…trying to shove a dozen roses into a vase that’s far too small.” I was not prepared for that kind of response and just started laughing. Thankfully, he kept going.